Why I'm So Afraid...

God has been peeling back the many layers of my pride lately. Just last week the corner of one such layer was curled up to reveal the rotten stench of a false belief I have held close for nearly 25 years. What is this foul belief? I have believed that life should come easily and that I am entitled to happiness, comfort, and peace.

At first glance I think most folks might chuckle and say, "What's wrong with wanting happiness, comfort, and peace?" And I would have to confess that there is nothing wrong with such desires. But that's not what is at issue here. The issue is that I have believed I deserved it all. In ever so subtle ways I have lived many years of my life charming, manipulating, even 'evangelizing' those around me in order to adhere to this belief system.

As most of you already know, life has a way of kicking our teeth in at times without so much as batting an eyelash or even taking notice of whose life is being painfully altered. But even as the face of my life has been bashed time and again by the realities of living in a sin-infested world, I plow forward in my furrows of prideful beliefs. I get stuck on a rock or root of truth, and rather than allow that to turn me in a new direction where real growth and fruit can be produced, I twist, cut, and crash my way through as though I actually know what is best!

I confess this layer of pride has been firmly sealed for many years. And as God has given me a small peek into the destruction and rottenness it has produced in my beliefs, I am truly humbled (embarrassed, actually) by the mercy and persistence of God in my life. I realize in such moments why He refers to me as His child - because I am thinking and acting in a childlike manner; proud and selfish.

The truth is I am relieved to see afresh this very ugly part of my life. It reminds me how broken I truly am and how desperately I need the grace of God. I am also thankful. After all, God doesn't have to be so merciful and kind to me. He knows how proud, self-centered, and even rebellious I can be. Yet He pursues me, always reminding me of my value and worth before Him. I don't deserve such love. And that truth brings me to my knees, confessing my false belief of entitlement that robs me of the deep intimacy God desires with me. Oh, that I would willingly rip up the stale, dingy layers of pride and let the cleansing grace of God wash me anew with humility, peace, and love.

Peeling back my pride,

jonathan