Questions from College Girls...

I spoke to a group of college students recently about the importance of casting a vision for a lifestyle of sexual purity. The following were some of the questions I received from the girls in the audience - and my answers to them. I expect to post the guy's questions in the upcoming week...

I would love to hear your feedback. You can email me directly at jonathan@bebroken.com.

1. What boundaries should there be in a guy-girl friendship?

I think it needs to stay just that - a friendship. Therefore, physical boundaries need to be firm and clearly communicated (i.e. no kissing, holding hands, etc.). Try to make your friendships about building each other up (in other words, selfless) and helping the other achieve personal growth emotionally and spiritually. This may include setting boundaries on what topics you talk about one-on-one. A one-on-one friendship between a guy and girl is probably not the best environment to talk about all the sexual struggles you have faced in your life - those conversations with friends might be best suited for group discussions or guy-to-guy or girl-to-girl.

2. Can you be making out with your significant other and still be glorifying the Lord? Should making out be part of a God-seeking relationship?

"Making out" may cover a lot of territory, so I'm not sure how you would define that. For some, making out might be a closed-lipped kiss that lasts 10 seconds. For others, making out might be a full french kiss that includes roaming hands. Because of the wide variation in defining 'making out' I would suggest that the answer to this question lies in the purpose for such physical closeness. In my experience, most couples who 'make out' are not focused on spiritual things in the moment of the "make out." They are typically focused on how good they feel physically with this other person. Physical affection can be shown in many other ways that allow a couple to keep healthy boundaries in tact, yet express deep affection for one another ( i.e. holding hands or non-sexual hugs). I would suggest that "making out" should not be on the list of activities for a God-seeking relationship.

3. I'm a very touchy person and I was wondering what is going on in a guy's mind even if my intentions are the same for everyone?

Most guys interpret touch from a sexual mindset. It's not that we can't distinguish when touch is friendly or when it is sexual, we just tend to default to the sexual. So, when you hug a guy or squeeze his hand in a 'friendly' way, he may interpret that to mean more than you intend. I would recommend you simply be cautious about "how" and "how often" you touch guys, even if well-intentioned. This is for your safety (some misinterpretations of touch lead to sexual abuse) and for the benefit of your future spouse (touch him all you want...he will love it!).

4. I believe that if you can lust outside of marriage then you surely can lust after your spouse inside marriage (i.e. use them to fulfill yourself and not give of yourself). How would you suggest avoiding that, recognizing that, and even communicating about that?

I too agree that lust is not reserved to the single person's mind. Married couples can have lustful thoughts toward one another that are inappropriate. Any time we use someone (even our spouse) sexually for selfish pleasure, we are lusting. The way you deal with it is found in your question - you communicate about it. You talk to each other honestly and openly about the struggle. You share your desire to purify your marriage bed so that it is a place of safety and goodness. You reaffirm your spouse of his/her value and worth and attractiveness. Finally, you learn to communicate and engage your spouse during sex so as to ensure that you are connected with them emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically.

5. How can we encourage our brothers in Christ without leading them on?

The best way to encourage your brothers is to point them to TRUTH. Truth is your greatest asset - and defense. The truth will remind guys that they are to respect and protect your virginity and innocence. The truth will not apologize for being certain about itself. There is no "bend" in the truth. And if you are pointing guys to the truth they will know your heart is pure and that there aren't any double messages being sent. Some good truths to point guys to are Matthew 5:8 & 27-28; 1 Thes. 4:7; Phil. 4:8; Job 31:1.

6. How far should a person go to "guard ones own heart?" Where is the biblical back up for this ideal?

According to the Bible, the length that one should go to in order to "guard one's heart" is ABOVE ALL ELSE. Proverbs 4:23 states, " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Your heart is immeasurably valuable. Guard it above all other possessions you have, for out of it will flow your very life. If you hand your heart to just anyone, or everyone, you will surely stain it with many painful memories. Guard it, and hand it only to those who will care for it as much as you.

7. What can a girl do if her "man" is struggling with, or involved in, pornography? How can she help him?

First, she can encourage him to get plugged into counseling or a purity group. He needs to be in some community of men who will talk honestly and openly with him about his struggle and challenge him to a biblical standard of purity. She also must be willing to set up boundaries to protect herself emotionally and physically. Pornography promotes violence and anger as acceptable behaviors in men. Exposure to porn for a long enough period of time will cause most users to become calloused emotionally toward women and possibly even abusive. You need to set up some healthy boundaries to keep yourself from harm. This will also communicate to your "man" how important purity is to you. And don't back down from your boundaries.

8. How active should a woman be in pursuing a relationship?

This is an interesting question, and very subjective. God did create men as initiators and women as receptors in a physical/sexual sense, but I'm not sure if this "proves" that men are to exclusively initiate in all areas of life between men and women. My personal opinion is that I have no problem with a girl initiating friendship with a guy. We need friends in our lives and it doesn't seem to matter who makes that first move. I do, however, have a personal opinion about girls initiating "dating" (or serious) relationships. I believe this form of aggression only serves to solidify what I see as the greatest detriment to the 21st century male Christian - passivity. Christian men have increasingly become more passive (in all areas) over the past 50 years. Let me ask you this, ladies: Do you want to pursue a relationship where you end up marrying a passive, irresponsible man? There is your answer. This may seem like making a big deal out of something that seems pretty small, but you would be surprised how many men will pass off their God-given responsibilities as a man to any women who shows the initiative to take it over.

(that's just my two cents...)