Questions from College Guys... (Part 1)

Here are some questions I received while on a trip to speak to college students about living a life of sexual purity. This is Part 1 of 2 sets of questions from the guys. I will post Part 2 in the coming week.

1. What does the Bible say about how far a man and a woman can go sexually before they get married?

What a GREAT question. The way your question is worded, however, is an issue that is not actually addressed in the Bible. In other words, there are no passages that say, "X, Y, and Z are OK sexual activities before marriage." But there are some directives that were given in the Old Testament Law concerning the value of a woman's virginity. In fact, if a man violated a woman's virginity he had to pay her Dad or in some cases both of them were stoned to death! (Praise God for New Testament grace through Jesus, right?!)

The point is that God is not interested in instructing us on "how close we can get" to sin without actually sinning. His intent for our lives is to reflect His character and glory through a deepening relationship with Him through Christ. Therefore, in your interaction with girls think of how far you can walk from the edge of the "sexual cliff" rather than how close you can get without falling over.

2. Are there sexual acts that are sinful after marriage between a husband and wife?

Yes. As I mentioned in my responses to the girls' questions, lust is not reserved for only the single person's mind. Lust can occur in a marriage whereby a spouse attempts to sexually "use" their partner for their own selfish pleasure without regard for the other's desires. Also, sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, if it is God-honoring, needs to be mutually satisfying, promote emotional and spiritual intimacy, and involve mutually agreeable activities. Any such violation of these principles could be deemed sinful since it would not promote the oneness God designed marriage to become. But concerning what those specific sexual acts are that might be considered sinful, that varies from couple to couple because what one couple may agree on sexually another couple might not. God has reserved the marriage bed for freedom and exploration in the context of safety, commitment, selflessness, and love.

3. Is oral sex in marriage sinful?

There are no direct prohibitions concerning oral sex in marriage in the Bible. Again, God's parameters are wide when it comes to sexual exploration in marriage. I would refer to the previous answer concerning mutual agreement and respect when it comes to deciding on specific sexual activities in marriage.

4. At what point in a relationship should past sexual experiences be talked about?

It is a sad reality to answer such a question, as I wish each couple didn't have a laundry list of past sexual experiences. But I realize that even if the past doesn't include sex with another person, it often does include lust, pornography, and fantasy. These are not, however, topics that need to be discussed with just anyone or everyone. Such deeply personal and painful experiences need to be shared with someone you trust and who truly has your best interests in mind. So, it is my suggestion that you only share your deep, dark sexual secrets with someone who you feel is a potential spouse. This doesn't mean you need to be engaged, but it is important that as the relationship becomes more serious emotionally that your partner know about your struggles and past experiences.

There are "stages" to sharing about your past. Stage one might be early on in a dating relationship you mention your struggle with lust (ALL guys have some level of struggle with lust, so don't try to fool anyone). She needs to know you are real and not afraid to be honest. Stage two might occur as the relationship grows and might include some of your past failures (i.e. porn, lying to cover up, etc.). And, finally, when it becomes clear that you want to pursue marriage, Stage three is opening up the closets where the skeletons hide. It may be helpful before sharing at stage two or three to speak with a counselor or pastor to help you decide the best way to share these very difficult issues.

5. What does the Bible say about masturbation?

Nothing.

6. Is masturbation a sin?

This is the most common question we get in our ministry. To read our response, click here.

7. Is there anything good about masturbation?

In my experience, I have not seen any long-term benefits to masturbation. Even if a person could engage in the activity without spinning a single lustful thought (virtually impossible to do), it is still a self-focused, isolated activity. This does not seem to be the original intent for our sexuality. Even removing the sexual aspect of it, God is clear about the focus of our lives being outward. In other words, we are to live in such a way to put others ahead of ourselves. Masturbation is fundamentally opposed to such a paradigm. Ultimately, each person must decide for themselves what their stance will be on the subject, but I personally have never seen a positive long-term effect from engaging in masturbation.

8. How do you respond to your girlfriend's sexual past?

The same way you want her to respond to yours: forgiveness and love. One thing is true of everyone and that is we are all broken. For some of us our brokenness goes deeper than others. But the fact still remains that we all have histories of brokenness, even concerning our sexuality. So, if your girlfriend has slipped up in the past, you are faced with a decision about forgiveness. This isn't an easy decision, but if the relationship is to continue you must eventually reach a point of forgiving her and choosing to never hold those failures over her head - ever. Sometimes counseling can help to go through this process of forgiveness.

9. Are contraceptives pleasing to God?

I don't know. (I don't have all the answers, you know...)