Questions from College Guys... (Part 2)

As promised, here is Part 2 of questions I received from college guys at a recent speaking engagement.

10. Despite the account in Genesis, "...for a man shall leave his father and mother..." why should we stay married to one woman when almost no one in the Old Testament did? They had concubines, multiple wives, etc. Even the Genesis account never says one woman.

This is a fairly common question, but it is usually based on the philosophy of 'popularity' rather than truth. In other words, there is this idea that if enough people engage in a particular activity over a long enough period of time then maybe there really isn't anything wrong with it. God is actually very specific when it comes to marriage and godliness. Even in the Genesis account (2:24) He continues, "...and be united to his wife, and the they will become one flesh." The Bible does not say wives. It says wife, in the singular, meaning one.

Also, elsewhere in Scripture Jesus Himself repeats this instruction and even says that from the very beginning marriage was designed for one man and one woman. Matthew 19:3-9 says, "Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

To specifically answer your question of "Why should we stay married" it is clear that the most complete reflection of the image of God is seen in the union of one man and one woman. The oneness of male and female is able to best reflect the 'male' and 'female' characteristics of God to the watching world. This doesn't mean that men and women do not individually reflect His image, but not in its fullness. And also marriage between one man and one woman demonstrates the relationship of faithfulness, fidelity, and intimacy between Christ and His Church (Eph. 5:21-33). Such truth could not be communicated with any other definition of marriage.

11. What effect, if any, does messing around with past girlfriends have on your future?

The most noticeable effect this can have is that it creates a sort of "library" of sexual experiences that are outside of God's design for your sexuality. The more you "mess around" the more you are chipping away at your sense of purity and sexual innocence. This can have profound negative effects later on in your marriage because you will have to fight off the volume of memories as they attempt to creep into your relationship and put a wedge between you and your wife.

If messing around includes sexual contact, then you could also suffer the consequences of sexually transmitted diseases (STD's). Some STD's are incurable, can be passed to your future spouse, and can even lead to death.

12. How do you know when a healthy sexual desire has turned into a lustful unhealthy drive?

Good question. This is one of those "gray area" questions. There is no red flashing light that appears on a guy's forehead when he has crossed over from normal sexual thought to lustful thinking. Generally speaking, however, when a normal sexual reaction (increased heartbeat upon seeing an attractive peer, for example) leads to capturing an image or thought for self-centered pleasure, a line has been crossed.

Most guys have a hard time distinguishing between normal, healthy sexual feelings and lust. We must keep in mind that God is the creator of beauty. It was His idea to make us sexual beings. So, the sexual feelings themselves are not a mistake. We must become responsible, however, for directing those feelings in the channels that will lead to purity rather than lust. This may mean acknowledging beauty, but quickly underscoring the potential for lust if appropriate channeling does not occur. Some good ways to redirect sexual energy could be exercise, calling a friend, or listening to music - activities that will invest your mind in letting beauty remain beautiful and not something you allow your wandering mind to turn into ugliness.

13. Would you say that there is a difference between lust and an impure thought?

No - not in the sense that both cross the line of what is acceptable before God.

14. Is insecurity the main cause of porn addiction?

There can be many factors that lead to porn addiction. Insecurity can be one of these factors, but usually not an "originating" factor. Most porn addiction is born out of attempting to cope with various emotional or psychological wounds. Trauma, abuse, negative family environment or shaming events can lead a person to seek out relief through inappropriate use of one's sexuality.

Insecurity is often one characteristic that perpetuates porn addiction, because the addict feels inadequate to connect emotionally with others. This also can prevent an addict from breaking the silence on their addiction because of the fear that if anyone knew what they were really doing they would reject and condemn them. We have a workbook that helps people combat this sort of shame. It is entitled Understanding Shame: Breaking the Power of the Addictive Spiral. ( learn more here)

15. How do you minister to someone who struggles with homosexuality? If it really is genetic (as some scientists say) is there compelling evidence that it is?

First, homosexuality is not genetic and it is sinful behavior according to God's Word. A friend of mine in ministry, David Kyle Foster (a former homosexual), explains how many church leaders have added confusion and destruction by attempting to "accept" homosexuality as not being sinful behavior. Read the full article here. However, homosexuality is no lesser or greater a sin than any other.

God loves homosexuals! I also love homosexuals and, believe it or not, never demand they change their lifestyle (it is not my decision to make for them). This is also the same way I approach any individual involved in sexually addictive behaviors. I approach them as a person loved by God just as they are. And as the truth of God's Word is accepted and appropriated into their hearts and minds, it is then God who does His work from the inside out. My role in that person's life is simply to lead them to the truth and let them make their own decisions between them and God from that point forward, encouraging them to weigh their thoughts and actions against the unchanging truth of the Bible. With truth as the guide you can know that when they choose to follow truth they will not be led astray.

16. When it comes to current lust battles and/or past experiences, how do you determine what to discuss and when with a girlfriend, fiance, or wife?

I believe there are "levels" to discussing our weaknesses with others. A girlfriend (someone to whom you have not made a "real" commitment) probably needs to know that you are like every other man on the planet and have struggles with lustful thoughts. A fiance (someone to whom you have pledge to make a real commitment) needs to know about skeletons in your closet and to what degree you currently struggle with lust. She also needs to know what your practical strategy is for healing from old wounds and pursuing a lifestyle of purity. A wife (someone to whom you have made a lifelong commitment) needs total transparency - no secrets, nothing hidden. Oneness in marriage cannot be achieved when there are secrets.

Timing is important when discussing such a vulnerable issue. Sitting at a baseball game scarfing down cheap hot dogs is probably not the best time to bring up this topic. Also, if your girlfriend, fiance, or wife has just experienced an emotional difficulty (fight with a friend, bad day at work, etc.), it might be best to talk later about your lust struggles. A good thing to keep in mind when approaching your girlfriend, fiance, or wife about your struggles is that she needs to know that she can be safe with you, and that she is not the cause of your struggle. It may be helpful to seek professional counseling if you have particularly abusive or addictive patterns in your struggles.