Safety in Numbers...

I have a tendency to drift away from people. If I'm not careful, I will gradually isolate myself from friends and family. I don't necessarily intend to disconnect, it just seems to be my natural inclination. And it almost always leads to trouble.

One thing I have found true in my life is that I don't always make the best decisions when I'm all alone. When I don't seek advice or counsel, but simply spin my own isolated thoughts, I can come up with some pretty far fetched ideas. And when these ideas become points of decision they miss the mark the majority of the time.

My primary struggle is with sexual temptation. It has been ever since I was a young boy. Secrecy and isolation were the primary fuels that perpetuated my eventual addictive behaviors. The farther I drifted from friends and family member the more vulnerable I was to acting out. And with each failure I wanted to pull away even more because I believed that if they truly knew what I was doing they would reject me. So, rather than face that perceived embarrassment and forced isolation, I just voluntarily removed myself from relationships.

As I have gone through the recovery process over the past 7 years I have learned a valuable truth concerning long-term purity: it only exists in community. I cannot maintain a lifestyle of purity when I am isolated from other people. I must be connected in growing, vibrant relationships if I am to withstand the attacks of temptation and move forward in purity. As uncomfortable as this may be at times, I recognize the significant value these relationships represent and I move in toward them rather than pulling away.

What amazes me the most is that as I move in toward loving, trustworthy people my attitude toward connectedness changes. Rather than wanting to run away from relationships out of fear of being known, I realize that it is in the process of being known and loved that my greatest need is met. When others truly know the real me, and choose to love me anyway, my life is touched at a deep level and my wounds of shame are healed. Community becomes my home, not isolation.

So, as you move forward in your life, I challenge you to seek out people you can trust. Share your story with them, including all the shame and wounds you have suffered. In doing so you will experience a level of healing that is unparalleled and you will construct a strong hedge of protection against new temptations that come your way each day. There truly is safety in numbers...

Enjoying community,

jonathan

Why I Am Not God...and Other Comforting Thoughts

Thank God that I am not Him. Really, you should thank Him for this.

I was driving around town yesterday taking care of some errands when an announcement came over the radio that an online child pornography "business" was being shut down and its operators prosecuted. Then they reported something that nearly caused me to have a wreck out of disgust and anguish. You see, part of this online child porn ring included videos of abuse occurring on children younger than 18 months old. My gut wretched at such horrific news.

I turned off the radio, and as tears began to well up in my eyes for these innocent, abused children, I whispered to God that it was good that I am not Him. My anger burned hot against these sexual predators. I asked God how He could withhold His wrath from men like these. How could He stand silent as these abusers performed their horrible acts of violation on these precious, young children? I whispered these thoughts of pain and confusion throughout the remainder of my day.

God hasn't specifically answered my questions... yet. But He did remind me of something that I far too often fail to remember: I am no less broken and in need of God's grace than those child abusers. Oh, I like to see myself in a different light, placing myself 'higher up the chain' of degenerates, but the truth remains: I need God's grace just as much as anyone else.

It's hard for me to look at men like those involved in this child porn business and not think of myself as "better" than they are. I cringe and wince at the idea of God showing mercy and forgiveness to them for such acts of brutality and perversion. I want God to strike those men dead, with no hope of redemption. But to damn men so is to assume a role I was never intended to have. I am not God.

I don't understand why God chooses to show mercy to those who are unmerciful or kindness and grace to the cruel. But I do know this: He has shown mercy and grace to me; a needy, selfish, and sometimes cruel human being. While I may not behave the same as those abusive men, my sin is no 'better' than theirs...

Aren't you thankful that I am not God?

I am...

jonathan

What Good are the Lame?

I've struggled with shame most of my life. I believed such lies as, "I must be perfect" or "I am undesirable." These lies spun in my mind so often and so strongly that I lived them out in my everyday life and relationships. I worked hard to present myself as perfect, not having any flaws or deficiencies. I covered up the deep secrets of self-hatred and despair so as not to appear sick or unlovable. But these lies of shame kept me imprisoned in a state of perpetual sickness and immobility. I was lame.

So, what good are the lame? Just look at my life. I lived in secrecy, shame, isolation, fear, anger, and the list of sicknesses and sinfulness could go on and on. And I still struggle today with being bombarded by all these same afflictions. I still carry a limp from my years of being a spiritual and emotional cripple. What good could I possibly offer in this life?

Let me share a profound secret I have learned along this road to healing about my value and worth before God: it never changed.

God loves lame people. In fact, it is the lame that he wants! Jesus said, "It isn't the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." He seeks out the lost, lonely, desperate, crippled souls and invites them to spend time with Him. He doesn't beat them down with all the stupid decisions they have made, or blame them for all the wounds they carry. He simply reaches out in love and offers healing.

The most amazing miracle to me is not that God heals the lame (now, that is quite a miracle). But what causes my jaw to drop to the floor is that God heals the lame in order to heal more lame. All we who feel incapable or unworthy because of our past or the poor decisions we have made along the way, God has great news. He loves taking broken, twisted people and healing them so more lame, crippled souls will experience the life they dreamed of living.

Do you feel worthless, incapable, or lame? That's ok. You are just the kind of person God is looking for...

Grateful for my limp,

jonathan