Death on the Fence!

I conducted a workshop recently for men struggling with sexually addictive behaviors. During the course of the workshop a man approached me to share his story. He originally didn't want to come because he was in the middle of an affair and didn't know if he wanted to give up his mistress. And he still wasn't sure what he wanted to do. I could see the anguish in his eyes as he shared. He was tense, downcast, and emotionally exhausted. He was really struggling with this decision. He was on the fence.

The next day this same man approached me, but he didn't look like the same guy. He looked rested, relaxed, and there was even a smile on his face. He told me he made the decision to end the relationship with his mistress and give his marriage a second chance. I could visibly see the relief in him for "getting off the fence." It was as if life had re-entered him and he had renewed purpose.

Many of us go through life riding the fence. We fear commitment. We are indecisive. Shame, doubt, and insecurity require that we precariously balance on the fence between abundant life and spiritual death. Some of us assume that because of our relationship with God through Christ we are "guaranteed" a life of ease and entitlement. But believer or not, we have choices to make. Every day. And these choices, if left undecided, perch us squarely "on the fence."

I am becoming more convinced than ever that passivity and indecisiveness are two of the most destructive characteristics we can adopt. Our passivity leads to moral relativity and our unwillingness to make hard choices nudges us closer and closer to self-centered, "comfort-driven" lifestyles. But to drift in such a direction is to give up the prospect of real contentment and instead fall headlong into bitterness, delusion and self-pity.

The Bible says that it is the truth that sets us free. So, how do you get off the fence of passivity and indecision? You seek truth and then act on it. This guy at the workshop was introduced (or re-introduced) to the truth that God made marriage a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman. This means that when the relationship doesn't fit into the "comfort zone" of one spouse, you don't bail out. If this man grasps the truth, "What God has joined together, let no man separate," he can push through to reap the benefits of peace, joy, and real intimacy in his marriage. But as long as he was on the fence such benefits were impossible to receive, and he was slowly wasting away to nothing.

How about you? Are you on the fence over some decision(s) in your life? I challenge you to seek the truth with all your heart and when you find it... jump toward it.

Off the fence,

jonathan

Questions from College Guys... (Part 2)

As promised, here is Part 2 of questions I received from college guys at a recent speaking engagement.

10. Despite the account in Genesis, "...for a man shall leave his father and mother..." why should we stay married to one woman when almost no one in the Old Testament did? They had concubines, multiple wives, etc. Even the Genesis account never says one woman.

This is a fairly common question, but it is usually based on the philosophy of 'popularity' rather than truth. In other words, there is this idea that if enough people engage in a particular activity over a long enough period of time then maybe there really isn't anything wrong with it. God is actually very specific when it comes to marriage and godliness. Even in the Genesis account (2:24) He continues, "...and be united to his wife, and the they will become one flesh." The Bible does not say wives. It says wife, in the singular, meaning one.

Also, elsewhere in Scripture Jesus Himself repeats this instruction and even says that from the very beginning marriage was designed for one man and one woman. Matthew 19:3-9 says, "Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

To specifically answer your question of "Why should we stay married" it is clear that the most complete reflection of the image of God is seen in the union of one man and one woman. The oneness of male and female is able to best reflect the 'male' and 'female' characteristics of God to the watching world. This doesn't mean that men and women do not individually reflect His image, but not in its fullness. And also marriage between one man and one woman demonstrates the relationship of faithfulness, fidelity, and intimacy between Christ and His Church (Eph. 5:21-33). Such truth could not be communicated with any other definition of marriage.

11. What effect, if any, does messing around with past girlfriends have on your future?

The most noticeable effect this can have is that it creates a sort of "library" of sexual experiences that are outside of God's design for your sexuality. The more you "mess around" the more you are chipping away at your sense of purity and sexual innocence. This can have profound negative effects later on in your marriage because you will have to fight off the volume of memories as they attempt to creep into your relationship and put a wedge between you and your wife.

If messing around includes sexual contact, then you could also suffer the consequences of sexually transmitted diseases (STD's). Some STD's are incurable, can be passed to your future spouse, and can even lead to death.

12. How do you know when a healthy sexual desire has turned into a lustful unhealthy drive?

Good question. This is one of those "gray area" questions. There is no red flashing light that appears on a guy's forehead when he has crossed over from normal sexual thought to lustful thinking. Generally speaking, however, when a normal sexual reaction (increased heartbeat upon seeing an attractive peer, for example) leads to capturing an image or thought for self-centered pleasure, a line has been crossed.

Most guys have a hard time distinguishing between normal, healthy sexual feelings and lust. We must keep in mind that God is the creator of beauty. It was His idea to make us sexual beings. So, the sexual feelings themselves are not a mistake. We must become responsible, however, for directing those feelings in the channels that will lead to purity rather than lust. This may mean acknowledging beauty, but quickly underscoring the potential for lust if appropriate channeling does not occur. Some good ways to redirect sexual energy could be exercise, calling a friend, or listening to music - activities that will invest your mind in letting beauty remain beautiful and not something you allow your wandering mind to turn into ugliness.

13. Would you say that there is a difference between lust and an impure thought?

No - not in the sense that both cross the line of what is acceptable before God.

14. Is insecurity the main cause of porn addiction?

There can be many factors that lead to porn addiction. Insecurity can be one of these factors, but usually not an "originating" factor. Most porn addiction is born out of attempting to cope with various emotional or psychological wounds. Trauma, abuse, negative family environment or shaming events can lead a person to seek out relief through inappropriate use of one's sexuality.

Insecurity is often one characteristic that perpetuates porn addiction, because the addict feels inadequate to connect emotionally with others. This also can prevent an addict from breaking the silence on their addiction because of the fear that if anyone knew what they were really doing they would reject and condemn them. We have a workbook that helps people combat this sort of shame. It is entitled Understanding Shame: Breaking the Power of the Addictive Spiral. ( learn more here)

15. How do you minister to someone who struggles with homosexuality? If it really is genetic (as some scientists say) is there compelling evidence that it is?

First, homosexuality is not genetic and it is sinful behavior according to God's Word. A friend of mine in ministry, David Kyle Foster (a former homosexual), explains how many church leaders have added confusion and destruction by attempting to "accept" homosexuality as not being sinful behavior. Read the full article here. However, homosexuality is no lesser or greater a sin than any other.

God loves homosexuals! I also love homosexuals and, believe it or not, never demand they change their lifestyle (it is not my decision to make for them). This is also the same way I approach any individual involved in sexually addictive behaviors. I approach them as a person loved by God just as they are. And as the truth of God's Word is accepted and appropriated into their hearts and minds, it is then God who does His work from the inside out. My role in that person's life is simply to lead them to the truth and let them make their own decisions between them and God from that point forward, encouraging them to weigh their thoughts and actions against the unchanging truth of the Bible. With truth as the guide you can know that when they choose to follow truth they will not be led astray.

16. When it comes to current lust battles and/or past experiences, how do you determine what to discuss and when with a girlfriend, fiance, or wife?

I believe there are "levels" to discussing our weaknesses with others. A girlfriend (someone to whom you have not made a "real" commitment) probably needs to know that you are like every other man on the planet and have struggles with lustful thoughts. A fiance (someone to whom you have pledge to make a real commitment) needs to know about skeletons in your closet and to what degree you currently struggle with lust. She also needs to know what your practical strategy is for healing from old wounds and pursuing a lifestyle of purity. A wife (someone to whom you have made a lifelong commitment) needs total transparency - no secrets, nothing hidden. Oneness in marriage cannot be achieved when there are secrets.

Timing is important when discussing such a vulnerable issue. Sitting at a baseball game scarfing down cheap hot dogs is probably not the best time to bring up this topic. Also, if your girlfriend, fiance, or wife has just experienced an emotional difficulty (fight with a friend, bad day at work, etc.), it might be best to talk later about your lust struggles. A good thing to keep in mind when approaching your girlfriend, fiance, or wife about your struggles is that she needs to know that she can be safe with you, and that she is not the cause of your struggle. It may be helpful to seek professional counseling if you have particularly abusive or addictive patterns in your struggles.

Would You Cut Off Your Hand?

I suffered an injury recently to the ring finger on my left hand. I was working on my sister's house so she could get it ready to sell. I was standing on her porch railing, filling in holes on some of the beams where woodpeckers had done their damage. As I jumped off the railing to the porch below my wedding ring caught on a nail in one of the beams. The weight of my fall caused my ring to cut into my finger in a bad way.

Thankfully, my sister lives near a fire station with an EMT unit. I dunked my hand in a cooler full of ice water as we sped over to the station. (the pain was unbelievable!) The EMT's cut my ring off my finger and patched me up pretty good. I am grateful to still have my finger, as I was made aware that many who encounter such a situation are not so fortunate.

A couple days after this accident I got to thinking about a passage of Scripture that I hadn't thought about in a while. Matthew 5:29-30 says, "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." I then thought of this passage as it pertains to the secret sins in our lives.

Now, I realize Jesus was speaking to unbelievers here so the reference to the body going to hell does not apply to those of us who have believed in Jesus for salvation. But the principle of "gouging out" and "cutting off" can still apply to the sin with which we easily become enamored. We must cut such sin out of our lives in order to be clean, pure vessels before God.

As I thought of this principle, my finger throbbed. I then thought of how excruciating it would feel to cut off my entire hand. Ouch! My finger was still attached. Can you imagine slicing off your whole hand?! This got me thinking about the very real truth that removing sin from our lives is painful. I don't think we take this into account sometimes.

As we look around at other Christians who are struggling with different sins in their lives (gossip, lying, addiction, etc.) we are often quick to give simple, trite solutions. We tell them to "stop it" or to "pray more." But do we ever take into account the pain they must endure to sacrifice their sin? Do we offer encouragement and grace for such a journey?

Now take a look at your own life. How often do you gloss over some secret sin because every time the Sword of the Spirit, God's Word, touches it you feel pain? You want to please God and live a life of purity and honor. But you never realized how much it would hurt to really rid your life of sin! I think it is time we stop fooling ourselves and acknowledge that it hurts to "cut off" sin in our lives.

The more I pondered this principle of "cutting off" sin the more I came to realize that such pain, as intense and excruciating as it may be, is temporary compared to the ongoing suffering of letting the sin remain. Sin is a cancer. Its sole purpose is to destroy us, to literally kill us. And as long as the sin remains untouched and attached we forfeit the opportunity to live abundantly. Therefore, the momentary pain of removing the sin produces eternal joy.

So, the next time you are tempted to let sin hang around in your life, take a look at your hand. It's a nice hand, no doubt. But if it causes you to sin, it's not worth hanging on to.

Slicing and dicing,

jonathan

Questions from College Guys... (Part 1)

Here are some questions I received while on a trip to speak to college students about living a life of sexual purity. This is Part 1 of 2 sets of questions from the guys. I will post Part 2 in the coming week.

1. What does the Bible say about how far a man and a woman can go sexually before they get married?

What a GREAT question. The way your question is worded, however, is an issue that is not actually addressed in the Bible. In other words, there are no passages that say, "X, Y, and Z are OK sexual activities before marriage." But there are some directives that were given in the Old Testament Law concerning the value of a woman's virginity. In fact, if a man violated a woman's virginity he had to pay her Dad or in some cases both of them were stoned to death! (Praise God for New Testament grace through Jesus, right?!)

The point is that God is not interested in instructing us on "how close we can get" to sin without actually sinning. His intent for our lives is to reflect His character and glory through a deepening relationship with Him through Christ. Therefore, in your interaction with girls think of how far you can walk from the edge of the "sexual cliff" rather than how close you can get without falling over.

2. Are there sexual acts that are sinful after marriage between a husband and wife?

Yes. As I mentioned in my responses to the girls' questions, lust is not reserved for only the single person's mind. Lust can occur in a marriage whereby a spouse attempts to sexually "use" their partner for their own selfish pleasure without regard for the other's desires. Also, sexual intimacy between a husband and wife, if it is God-honoring, needs to be mutually satisfying, promote emotional and spiritual intimacy, and involve mutually agreeable activities. Any such violation of these principles could be deemed sinful since it would not promote the oneness God designed marriage to become. But concerning what those specific sexual acts are that might be considered sinful, that varies from couple to couple because what one couple may agree on sexually another couple might not. God has reserved the marriage bed for freedom and exploration in the context of safety, commitment, selflessness, and love.

3. Is oral sex in marriage sinful?

There are no direct prohibitions concerning oral sex in marriage in the Bible. Again, God's parameters are wide when it comes to sexual exploration in marriage. I would refer to the previous answer concerning mutual agreement and respect when it comes to deciding on specific sexual activities in marriage.

4. At what point in a relationship should past sexual experiences be talked about?

It is a sad reality to answer such a question, as I wish each couple didn't have a laundry list of past sexual experiences. But I realize that even if the past doesn't include sex with another person, it often does include lust, pornography, and fantasy. These are not, however, topics that need to be discussed with just anyone or everyone. Such deeply personal and painful experiences need to be shared with someone you trust and who truly has your best interests in mind. So, it is my suggestion that you only share your deep, dark sexual secrets with someone who you feel is a potential spouse. This doesn't mean you need to be engaged, but it is important that as the relationship becomes more serious emotionally that your partner know about your struggles and past experiences.

There are "stages" to sharing about your past. Stage one might be early on in a dating relationship you mention your struggle with lust (ALL guys have some level of struggle with lust, so don't try to fool anyone). She needs to know you are real and not afraid to be honest. Stage two might occur as the relationship grows and might include some of your past failures (i.e. porn, lying to cover up, etc.). And, finally, when it becomes clear that you want to pursue marriage, Stage three is opening up the closets where the skeletons hide. It may be helpful before sharing at stage two or three to speak with a counselor or pastor to help you decide the best way to share these very difficult issues.

5. What does the Bible say about masturbation?

Nothing.

6. Is masturbation a sin?

This is the most common question we get in our ministry. To read our response, click here.

7. Is there anything good about masturbation?

In my experience, I have not seen any long-term benefits to masturbation. Even if a person could engage in the activity without spinning a single lustful thought (virtually impossible to do), it is still a self-focused, isolated activity. This does not seem to be the original intent for our sexuality. Even removing the sexual aspect of it, God is clear about the focus of our lives being outward. In other words, we are to live in such a way to put others ahead of ourselves. Masturbation is fundamentally opposed to such a paradigm. Ultimately, each person must decide for themselves what their stance will be on the subject, but I personally have never seen a positive long-term effect from engaging in masturbation.

8. How do you respond to your girlfriend's sexual past?

The same way you want her to respond to yours: forgiveness and love. One thing is true of everyone and that is we are all broken. For some of us our brokenness goes deeper than others. But the fact still remains that we all have histories of brokenness, even concerning our sexuality. So, if your girlfriend has slipped up in the past, you are faced with a decision about forgiveness. This isn't an easy decision, but if the relationship is to continue you must eventually reach a point of forgiving her and choosing to never hold those failures over her head - ever. Sometimes counseling can help to go through this process of forgiveness.

9. Are contraceptives pleasing to God?

I don't know. (I don't have all the answers, you know...)

Questions from College Girls...

I spoke to a group of college students recently about the importance of casting a vision for a lifestyle of sexual purity. The following were some of the questions I received from the girls in the audience - and my answers to them. I expect to post the guy's questions in the upcoming week...

I would love to hear your feedback. You can email me directly at jonathan@bebroken.com.

1. What boundaries should there be in a guy-girl friendship?

I think it needs to stay just that - a friendship. Therefore, physical boundaries need to be firm and clearly communicated (i.e. no kissing, holding hands, etc.). Try to make your friendships about building each other up (in other words, selfless) and helping the other achieve personal growth emotionally and spiritually. This may include setting boundaries on what topics you talk about one-on-one. A one-on-one friendship between a guy and girl is probably not the best environment to talk about all the sexual struggles you have faced in your life - those conversations with friends might be best suited for group discussions or guy-to-guy or girl-to-girl.

2. Can you be making out with your significant other and still be glorifying the Lord? Should making out be part of a God-seeking relationship?

"Making out" may cover a lot of territory, so I'm not sure how you would define that. For some, making out might be a closed-lipped kiss that lasts 10 seconds. For others, making out might be a full french kiss that includes roaming hands. Because of the wide variation in defining 'making out' I would suggest that the answer to this question lies in the purpose for such physical closeness. In my experience, most couples who 'make out' are not focused on spiritual things in the moment of the "make out." They are typically focused on how good they feel physically with this other person. Physical affection can be shown in many other ways that allow a couple to keep healthy boundaries in tact, yet express deep affection for one another ( i.e. holding hands or non-sexual hugs). I would suggest that "making out" should not be on the list of activities for a God-seeking relationship.

3. I'm a very touchy person and I was wondering what is going on in a guy's mind even if my intentions are the same for everyone?

Most guys interpret touch from a sexual mindset. It's not that we can't distinguish when touch is friendly or when it is sexual, we just tend to default to the sexual. So, when you hug a guy or squeeze his hand in a 'friendly' way, he may interpret that to mean more than you intend. I would recommend you simply be cautious about "how" and "how often" you touch guys, even if well-intentioned. This is for your safety (some misinterpretations of touch lead to sexual abuse) and for the benefit of your future spouse (touch him all you want...he will love it!).

4. I believe that if you can lust outside of marriage then you surely can lust after your spouse inside marriage (i.e. use them to fulfill yourself and not give of yourself). How would you suggest avoiding that, recognizing that, and even communicating about that?

I too agree that lust is not reserved to the single person's mind. Married couples can have lustful thoughts toward one another that are inappropriate. Any time we use someone (even our spouse) sexually for selfish pleasure, we are lusting. The way you deal with it is found in your question - you communicate about it. You talk to each other honestly and openly about the struggle. You share your desire to purify your marriage bed so that it is a place of safety and goodness. You reaffirm your spouse of his/her value and worth and attractiveness. Finally, you learn to communicate and engage your spouse during sex so as to ensure that you are connected with them emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically.

5. How can we encourage our brothers in Christ without leading them on?

The best way to encourage your brothers is to point them to TRUTH. Truth is your greatest asset - and defense. The truth will remind guys that they are to respect and protect your virginity and innocence. The truth will not apologize for being certain about itself. There is no "bend" in the truth. And if you are pointing guys to the truth they will know your heart is pure and that there aren't any double messages being sent. Some good truths to point guys to are Matthew 5:8 & 27-28; 1 Thes. 4:7; Phil. 4:8; Job 31:1.

6. How far should a person go to "guard ones own heart?" Where is the biblical back up for this ideal?

According to the Bible, the length that one should go to in order to "guard one's heart" is ABOVE ALL ELSE. Proverbs 4:23 states, " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Your heart is immeasurably valuable. Guard it above all other possessions you have, for out of it will flow your very life. If you hand your heart to just anyone, or everyone, you will surely stain it with many painful memories. Guard it, and hand it only to those who will care for it as much as you.

7. What can a girl do if her "man" is struggling with, or involved in, pornography? How can she help him?

First, she can encourage him to get plugged into counseling or a purity group. He needs to be in some community of men who will talk honestly and openly with him about his struggle and challenge him to a biblical standard of purity. She also must be willing to set up boundaries to protect herself emotionally and physically. Pornography promotes violence and anger as acceptable behaviors in men. Exposure to porn for a long enough period of time will cause most users to become calloused emotionally toward women and possibly even abusive. You need to set up some healthy boundaries to keep yourself from harm. This will also communicate to your "man" how important purity is to you. And don't back down from your boundaries.

8. How active should a woman be in pursuing a relationship?

This is an interesting question, and very subjective. God did create men as initiators and women as receptors in a physical/sexual sense, but I'm not sure if this "proves" that men are to exclusively initiate in all areas of life between men and women. My personal opinion is that I have no problem with a girl initiating friendship with a guy. We need friends in our lives and it doesn't seem to matter who makes that first move. I do, however, have a personal opinion about girls initiating "dating" (or serious) relationships. I believe this form of aggression only serves to solidify what I see as the greatest detriment to the 21st century male Christian - passivity. Christian men have increasingly become more passive (in all areas) over the past 50 years. Let me ask you this, ladies: Do you want to pursue a relationship where you end up marrying a passive, irresponsible man? There is your answer. This may seem like making a big deal out of something that seems pretty small, but you would be surprised how many men will pass off their God-given responsibilities as a man to any women who shows the initiative to take it over.

(that's just my two cents...)

How to C.A.L.M. Your Anger

Anger is a huge underlying issue for men struggling with sexually addictive behaviors. But most men don't recognize it as a problem because they have learned that anger is the "acceptable" emotion for a man to express. Therefore, even as acting out behaviors might decrease in recovery, the bedrock of anger remains.

In order to resolve anger well you must know where it originates. For most sex addicts the anger that eventually expresses itself in adulthood is often a compilation of numerous "little" disappointments along life's journey. Most of these disappointments occurred in childhood, and not many of us had the emotional maturity to respond well to such feelings. Therefore, adulthood expressions of anger are constructed through years of mismanaged disappointment. I don't blame men for not handling their disappointments well in childhood. Most of us were never taught how to manage feelings of disappointment.

These disappointments range in "size" from smaller ones such as Mom forgetting to give you a promised ice cream cone, to larger ones like Dad telling you he is ashamed of you and wished you had never been born. Whatever the disappointment, when it goes unresolved it adds a thin layer, or film, of pain over the heart. Over time, and as more and more layers of pain are added, your heart grows heavier and harder. Eventually, you end up a grown man with a heart like stone. And anyone or anything that attempts to penetrate its exterior is met with harsh, cold anger.

What is most interesting about this type of anger is that it may appear like you are strong and tough. In reality, however, you are very insecure and afraid. But you have learned to use anger to "scare off" everyone so you don’t have to peer into the cold darkness of your own heart. But if freedom, peace, and purity are to ever be enjoyed, you must break through your frozen heart.

If you can relate to a life of mismanaged disappointment that has turned into anger that puzzles you, there is hope to be free. It isn't an easy path to peace and security, but a life of joy and contentment is possible. The following are four steps that will help you overcome your anger and become a CALM man of peace, joy, and contentment.

C.A.L.M.

1. Confirm the true object of your anger.

Most of the stuff that gets us mad isn’t what we are really mad about. Those are just the “triggers” that set in motion the wheels of angry behavior. We might falsely accuse our wives or some out-of-control motorist for our anger when, in fact, it often goes much deeper than those external circumstances. This is why it is important to identify what has truly ignited this flame of anger. Until you get to the root you can’t kill the tree.

For example, let’s say your wife comes to you and says, “Honey, I’ve noticed you have been distant from me and the kids this week. Is everything ok with purity?” Such a question might stir some feelings of anger and you might fire back in a defensive manner. You may falsely assume that your wife is the object of your anger. Nope. You are. She simply pressed a button that hit a nerve and you launched the retaliation missile.

Most of the time (if you are honest with yourself) you will find that the true object of your anger is yourself or some origin of disappointment in your past. The bad news about such self-directed anger is that it can create numerous unhealthy thoughts of shame that eat you up from the inside out. The good news about this, however, is that if you are the object of most of your anger, you can do something about the object!

2. Address the "nerve" of disappointment this trigger presses on.

Once you confirm the object of your anger (usually yourself or a wound from your past) it then becomes important to address whatever “nerve” of disappointment the triggers are pressing on. For instance, in the example above your wife’s comment might have pressed on long held feelings of inadequacy that began in childhood from never being able to measure up to Dad’s impossible standards. Or maybe the trigger pressed on the nerve of an overbearing mother who never let you take risks and was always in your face about something.

The real healing from anger begins when we get to the emotional “nerves” in our heart. These are the points at which most of our anger was born. As you learn what these nerves are you are better prepared for addressing them with the healing power of the truth.

3. Look to God's promises for the specific need you have for security.

God’s Word is truth. (John 17:17) And it is the truth that ultimately sets us free. (John 8:32) To address the nerves of disappointment that trigger our anger we must bring the Word of God to bear upon them. We touch the layers of pain encasing our hearts with the truth and, over time, we are healed from years of anger and bitterness.

Here is how this works. You get to the nerve of disappointment. Let’s say it is never measuring up to Dad’s strict standards. Then you search God’s Word for the truth about your security in Him. And you find amazing passages like John 10:28-29 and Hebrews 6:16-20. As you implant these truths in your mind they begin to melt your heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh, soft and pliable in the hands of God.

4. Meet with others to grow in connectedness.

Anger ultimately isolates us from relationships. We grow distant and cold toward those who love us. When we combat the pattern of anger with the truth we must complete the transformation by connecting with others. To truly break the bonds of anger requires relationship. And in relationship we have the ideal “practice field” for engaging in new responses based on truth rather than the old method of lashing out in anger.

To continue in anger causes us to live lonely, isolated lives filled with pain and dissatisfaction. To address our anger and move toward honesty and relationship creates a new foundation for long-term peace, purity, and deep satisfaction.

So, be CALM!

What If Grace is True?

I was encouraged to read a book lately that has really solidified my faith. The book is Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges (click here for more info). It's not the first book I have ever read on the topic of grace. In fact, I have read many books on the subject. But this is the first that really makes no apologies for God's grace. Most books on grace, even from solid evangelical Christian authors, attempt to include "disclaimers" on grace, making the reader beleive that it is grace that saves us but our own good works that keep us in such a state.

I have to admit that it is tempting for me to buy into the line of thinking that says God's grace simply makes up what I am lacking. In other words, His grace "fills in the gaps" so that I can live a life that is pleasing to him. It's tempting to think this way, but it is a lie. God doesn't fill in the gaps. He fills me up completely - top to bottom. I don't have anything to offer to God that he needs. If he had needs he wouldn't be God. So, God's grace is based on his merit, not mine. And this grace is the same grace that brings what we like to call in the evangelical world justification (or salvation), sanctification, and glorification.

Ephesians 2:8-9 states, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." We are saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. Period. It really is that simple. No work. No toil. No offering. God saves based on the sacrifice Jesus made, not any attempt you or I my make to sacrifice ourselves. Grace is a FREE gift.

Many understand this "saving grace," but are quick to leave the entirety of grace in that state. It saves, but that is all it does. This leads many Christians to a works-based system of living. Every day is filled with "service to God" that is performed out of duty and obligation, primarily because it is thought that this is the way to "hold on" to salvation. But since you didn't earn your salvation, what makes you think you can lose it? How can you lose something that wasn't yours to begin with and wasn't given based on your ability to keep it?

Grace saves, but it also sanctifies. Sanctify is one of those "Christianese" words that sounds real fancy, but it really just means "to set apart, or consecrate." (consecrate - set apart as sacred) So, a believer in Jesus is set apart to God through faith. This is the process of transformation that takes a lifetime to work out. Many amazing things happen to us at the moment we believe in Jesus (too many for me to go into in this short article), but we also begin a process from that point of surrendering our desires and decision-making processes to God. This process is often called sanctification. And it is also where many get hung up on the works-based means of thinking that is opposed to God's grace.

Try to think about God's grace not in terms of what it "allows" you to do (such as 'getting away with sin'), but rather what his grace "affords" you to accomplish (i.e. honesty, purity, gentleness, self-control, peace, love, joy, etc.). When you begin to see grace as the fuel behind the supernatural changes that God works into your mind and behaviors it takes on a different hue. It is by grace you have been saved. Grace is powerful stuff. It isn't some weak, passive characteristic of God. It is the avenue to discovering the immeasurable riches of the Almighty.

So, what if this is really true about grace? I'd say it could change your life...

Still amazed by grace,

jonathan

Good News! Trends in Teen Sex are Improving

The National Youth Risk Behavior Survey was released recently and it actually showed some positive trends in sexual behavior among teens. The survey monitors health risk behaviors that contribute to the leading causes of death, disability, and social problems among youth and adults in the United States. The data is representative of 9th through 12th grade students.

The survey collects information every two years on all sorts of topics: alcohol use, tobacco use, dietary behaviors, etc. But I wanted to see what the survey had to say about sexual behaviors specifically. While the results didn't give me warm fuzzies, overall I was encouraged by what appears to be a positive shift in teen sexual behavior over the past 15 years.

Here are some of the results:

• The overall percentage of teens that have ever had intercourse dropped over 7% from 54.1% to 46.8%
• The overall percentage of teens that were currently sexually active dropped nearly 4% from 37.5% to 33.9%

For the full survey visit http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs/index.htm.

I was encouraged by these statistics, not because it reflects a model of sexual health and responsibility among Amercian teenagers, but rather it shows there might just be an awakening among our youth to an acceptance of the truth. As the baby boomer generation reaps the consequences of the sexual revolution of the 60's and 70's, and as Generation X-er's are faced with the realities of AIDS and other repercussions of sexual promiscuity, a whole new generation of children is seeing the devastation of sexual sin and making choices to prevent those same consequences in their own lives. And this encourages me.

While it still saddens me to see that nearly half of all teenagers have engaged in intercourse, and over one third are currently sexually active, I know that hope for a new sexual revolution is present. More and more men and women are healing from the wounds of sexual addiction and passing along this torch of hope to others. And kids are watching. So, let us be diligent in passing along a legacy of truth, freedom, and purity - one person at a time.

After all, Jesus changed the world with just a handful of regular guys...

When the Walls Cave In...

I just received a phone call that no one wants to get. A call from jail.

Over the years in ministry I have seen hundreds of men come and go through our purity groups. These groups are designed to help men who struggle with sexual lust to learn to fight temptation with truth and accountability. We sharpen one another through Bible study, confession, and encouragement. These are the trenches where mighty men of valor and character are formed. But not everyone stays in the trenches.

The man who called me had left the trench of our group over a year ago. We don't usually chase after men if they choose to go because we understand the important dynamic of a man truly owning his problem and taking full responsibility for his recovery. So, several weeks passed and he didn't return. I would occasionally see him around town and ask how he was doing, to which I would get the courteous reply, "Fine." I never pressed for more.

Here I was today, working on wrapping up another week of ministry and the phone rang. Not my work phone, but rather my personal cell phone. It was a number I didn't recognize, which usually means I don't answer. But for some reason I decided to pick up the call. And then the shock came.

"Hey, Jonathan, this is ______ _______. Do you remember me?"

"The name sounds familiar," I said.

"I used to go to the group every week and kind of dropped out. Well, I'm calling because...well, I've hit bottom. I'm calling you from the local jail. I just got arrested for...."

His voice trails off in my mind as I scramble for words. My emotions are swinging wildly from side to side; compassion to anger, forgiveness to judgment, certainty of advice to feelings of inadequacy. I rarely encounter this level of consequence in the men with to whom I have personally ministered.

I try to process this information and put myself in his shoes. How would my wife respond? What about the kids? How would this effect my church, my work, my extended family? The weight of such questions and thoughts causes my heart to break for this man.

"Can you come pick me up after I see the judge?" he asks. "I don't think my wife is in any condition to deal with this right now."

I agree to do what I can to help him in this time of need. Even though his destruction has been brought on by his own hand I know that when the walls cave in it is not the time to heap more rubbish on the pile. The power to change a life comes through grace and mercy, not judgment and cruelty. (James 2:12-13)

I hang up the phone and whisper a prayer for my brother. I am sad our reunion was not pleasant. But I am grateful that God was faithful to bring to his attention the things that he must address in his life. Even if it takes a jail cell to awaken such understanding.

Please pray with me for this friend. He could use the support...

Once again humbled,

jonathan

Facing the Prison (of Lust)

The following article is another excerpt from my working manuscript of The 4 Pillars of Purity: Principles for Freedom from Lust and Shame.

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The goal of freedom from lust and shame is intimacy with God. I will go into more detail concerning this point in Part III, but for now I want to explore the importance of knowing where you are before attempting to get where you are going.

Many sexually broken people reach the bottom and finally admit they need help. In their genuine zeal for wanting to change lifelong habits of sexual sin, they only ask questions concerned about where they want to go. Such questions may sound like,

“What program do I need to plug into to stop my compulsive masturbation?”

“What Internet filtering software do I need to install on my computer to eliminate my problem with online pornography?” 1

“What medication will fix my problems with depression and anxiety?”

There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with any of these questions. However, anyone asking questions only concerned with the final destination is going to have a very hard time reaching it if they do not understand where the starting point is located. Let me explain.

If I wanted to travel to New York City, what is the first bit of information I must have before attempting my journey? A starting point! If I don’t have a starting point, how will I know if I am to travel east, west, north, or south? How would I know how long the journey would be? How could I properly plan for food, clothing, and other essentials if I didn’t know how far I was from my destination? You and I must have a starting point before we can travel intelligently. The same is true with the healing journey to purity.

You know where you want to go: daily freedom from lust and deepening intimacy with God. What you are probably not as familiar with is where you are currently. You know what behaviors or thoughts you struggle with, but what about deep emotional scars from wounds you suffered years ago as a kid? What about the simmering anger that bubbles just below the surface that confuses and frustrates you? What role does it (or fear, anxiety, pride) play in your ongoing imprisonment to lust, shame, and sexual acting out? How well do you know the emotional or physical triggers that ignite your lustful passions to want to act out? These are the real questions of exploration, and they will help you locate your starting point for the journey. Without knowing your starting point you are destined to wander aimlessly in search of a place you may never arrive.

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I would love to hear your thoughts and comments. You may email me directly at jonathan@bebroken.com.

United States 2nd Highest Sex Trafficking Destination in World

• $8 million per year
• Nearly 20,000 victims sold and trafficked annually
• Average age of a sex slave is 11 years old

AND

• New York state has no law prohibiting this form of slavery!

Read the full article from Fox News

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What can you do to change this horrific practice? Contact New York state representatives and encourage them to support the Anti-Human Trafficking Act of 2006. (click here to read the 2006 Trafficking in Persons Report from the U.S. State Department)

Visit http://www.senate.state.ny.us/ to contact NY State senators.
Visit www.senate.gov to contact US senators representing New York.

Latest Headline: Teachers Caught Having Sex in Middle School

Yes, you read that headline correctly. This is just the latest in a growing number of disturbing stories coming out of the public education system. Two middle school teachers in Tampa, Florida were apparently caught by two students who witnessed them having sex in a classroom. And if that weren't bad enough, this wasn't the first time the two teachers engaged in sex on the school property.

Read the full article here.

My reaction? Disgust and sadness.

I am sickened by the thought that middle school students witnessed such a blatant perversion of sexual intimacy and that those who reported the incident in the media made it appear the greatest indiscretion performed by the teachers was that they had sex on school property, not that they had extramarital sex. But I shouldn't expect any less out of main stream journalism.

But I am also sad for all parties involved. I am sad for the students who must deal with the confusing emotions due to the images they saw. I am sad for the school district and the political firestorm this will create among teachers, students, and parents. I am terribly sad for the two teachers who became so wrapped up in their self-focused lust that they were willing to risk their jobs, reputation, and character for the momentary, fleeting deception of illicit sex. My heart breaks for these who must sort through their brokenness so publicly, and for the many others throughout our country who struggle privately with various levels of sexual brokenness.

Will you say a prayer with me today for all involved in this story, both innocent and guilty? I hope so...

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Beau Zimmer is the reporter who wrote the above linked article for WTSP, Tampa Bay's 10 News. You may email him at BZimmer@tampabays10.com.

The Prison of Lust

The following article is taken from Chapter 1 of a new book I am writing: The 4 Pillars of Purity: Principles for Freedom from Lust & Shame.

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Lust is defined as an intense or unrestrained sexual craving. This craving comes from within your sinful nature and offers false promises of satisfaction for your innermost desires. Lust can also take many forms other than just sexual. Lust for power. Lust for money. Lust for fame. But the lust I am talking about here is sexual lust. A deep inner craving to experience sexual pleasure, no matter the cost to self or others.

Sexual lust usually begins in subtle ways early on in life. I remember as a kid there wasn’t any access in my home to pornography, but I was always drawn to sneaking peeks in the JC Penney catalog at the lingerie section. This seemingly ‘harmless’ sexual curiosity planted the seeds of lust in my heart, where they eventually grew into mighty forests of sexual sin and addiction. Lust, as is true with any sin, must disguise itself in order for us to invite it into our hearts and minds. If it revealed itself as it truly is, we would run away in horrified disgust. This is why the Scripture says, “Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.” (2 Cor. 11:14)

But sexual curiosity, although it can plant seeds, doesn’t necessarily ensnare a person in lustful patterns of thinking. So, how does one travel from normal curiosity to entrapment in sexual lust? Such a journey occurs through isolation, secrecy, and shame.

Lust lures you away from your relationships. Whether it be through external sexual temptation (pornography, racy movies, TV, etc.) or internal fantasy, lust invites you to focus solely on yourself. By increasing your self-focus you naturally distance yourself from those closest to you. After all, if your mind is fully occupied with yourself, how can you think of anyone else? And once you are alone on your island of lustful fantasy, the beast exposes his true identity from behind the mask of pleasure and proceeds to mercilessly devour whatever piece of your mind, heart, or soul you offer. But, unfortunately, as horrible as this is the cycle is not yet complete.

After being made a fool by lust, you lick your wounds, return home, and continue on with life as usual. Except now there are secrets. In your embarrassment, shame and fear you just keep your mouth shut about your time spent on ‘Lust Island,’ hoping the experience (and the consequences) will just go away. But lust has an insatiable appetite for more. More of your heart. More of your mind. More of you.

The combination of isolation and secrecy produces shame. This is a heavy burden on your heart. You find yourself continuing to follow the dragon of lust time and again to his lair on the island, hoping it will produce a different result than the previous visit (this is a loose definition of insanity: repeating the same behaviors expecting a different result). Your disconnectedness from friends and family increases, and shame over your actions and continued silence threatens to crush your heart to pieces. Shame repeatedly demands you believe that you are defective in your design, worthless in the sight of God and man. Tragically, as you remain in isolation and secrecy, you dutifully believe the lies of shame. Then, one day, you peer out from the landscape of your heart only to realize that you are gazing through steel bars. You have become a prisoner of lust.

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I would love to hear your thoughts and comments. You may email me directly at jonathan@bebroken.com.

What About Gay Marriage?

I realize with an article title like this I am entering into emotionally charged territory. However, I have been thinking about this whole issue of gay marriage lately and just felt I needed to write some thoughts on the subject. I certainly don't profess to be an expert on the rule of law or even the realm of homosexual behavior, but I don't believe this automatically precludes me from sharing some ideas.

The mantra I continue to hear from the advocates of gay marriage is that the issue is not so much about sexual orientation differences as it is about "civil rights." I'm not sure if I totally understand this line of argument, but if this is the case then we have a scary future ahead as a nation. Let's take a stroll down common sense lane to figure this out.

If this issue really is about civil rights (which I don't think it is) then what parameters are there for claiming any decadent, immoral behavior as a "civil right?" At what point are there no absolute values and moral laws? Where is the line drawn? When a society begins the slippery slide toward "relative law" it begins to crumble from the inside out. And the inside of any civilization is the family unit.

The attempt to redefine marriage is what is most alarming to me. It isn't like the gay marriage activists are simply fighting for "civil rights." They are intent on changing the very definition of marriage! Such an effort, if successful, would have a profound crippling effect on the moral fabric of our society. The parameters for what is right and wrong behavior would be blurred at best, totally disintegrated at worst. This poses a great challenge to future generations of children who would be exposed to such more relativity. (of course, with exponential growth of gay marriages the population would decrease...I digress)

Maybe I'm just a bigoted, hatemongering, homophobic evangelical Christian who is scared to face the issue. (I pray you sense the sarcasm) Maybe I don't want to deal with this issue because it is so unprecedented, and the growth of homosexual behavior so staggering. If this were the case why would I be in full time ministry to sexually broken people? The fact of the matter is that I LOVE broken, hurting, and confused people. And I believe that is what is at the heart of the gay marriage issue: inner brokenness and confusion.

There are many hurting individuals who have a skewed perspective on how God created sexuality and they have found a level of comfort in expressing themselves through homosexual identification. I'm not mad at them for their conduct. I don't hate gay people. Their wounds are not that different from what my own have been. We just took different paths in dealing with them. We must stop gazing across this imaginary line at each other (gay and straight) and hurling emotional daggers of hate, disgust, and fear. If you looked a little closer and saw into the heart you may find yourself looking in a mirror. This truth brings me to my knees - for homosexuals and for me. We ALL need Jesus!

I wish the real issues behind the gay marriage debate would surface, but I realize it is wrapped up in the political arena and reality rarely enters that realm. But I still believe that good can come from this politically motivated, emotionally charged debate. The good, however, will have to come from the truth that God created mankind in His image, male and female. The truth is that there is a specific design and purpose for our sexuality and it does not include homosexual acts. The truth is that God loves each of us regardless of our confusion or rebellion. When we understand the truth, and embrace it, we are then truly set free.

I'm not sure what will come of the gay marriage debate in our country. But to be honest, whatever comes of it I won't stop fighting for those who want freedom, hope, and new life in Jesus. I pray you will fight with me...

Pursuing Truth and freedom,

jonathan

Every Man's Battle Coming To You...

As the Eastern Region Program Director for the Every Man's Battle workshops, I want to inform any of you men out there of just how powerful these events are. Each month we conduct three workshops in various locations throughout the United States and the results are phenomenal.

On average there are between 30-40 men at each event. Most are there because someone in their life (i.e. spouse) prompted them to get help. As I walk into these meeting rooms, full of men who are embarrassed, angry, and afraid, I see immeasurable potential. I don't see worthless men. In fact, I see great courage. I see men willing to give something a try that previously might have seemed unimaginable.

And then it happens. Over the course of the weekend walls are broken down, insight is gained, and hope renewed. By the time the weekend is over there is miraculous transformation that can only be attributed to the power and grace of God. It is humbling to witness.

You may be wondering if such an experience is really true. There is really only one way to find out. To learn more about the Every Man's Battle workshops and to register, visit www.everymansbattle.com or call toll free 1.800.NEW.LIFE.

To find out which EMB workshops I will be leading, view my calendar.

And you can always email me at jonathan@bebroken.com if you have questions. I would be happy to answer you as best I can.

Yours for purity,

jonathan

How Forgiven Are We?

Do you ever wonder how much God forgives? I mean, not what you may know intellectually in your head based on what Scripture clearly tells us, but what you feel in your gut. Do you ever imagine that God reaches a point where He just gets fed up with your continued failure and says, "That's all. No more forgiveness for you?"

I have to admit that on an emotional level I periodically feel that God must reach a point of frustration with my stubbornness, selfishness, and moments of rebellion that He just tosses up His hands and shakes His head. But thankfully I am more than just an emotional being. I have a mind as well. And it is what I know in my mind about God's love and forgiveness that ultimately reminds me that I could never wander beyond the reaches of His grace.

What would our lives be like if we truly lived like we believed there was nothing we could ever do to make God love us less or exhaust His grace? Would we strive so self-consciously to present ourselves as all cleaned up with no need for improvement? Would we cower away in shame and self-loathing when we miss the mark, yet again? Or, rather, would we walk with our heads held high with unending peace in our hearts because we know deep within our being that we are safe, secure, and eternally His? What would life be like if we truly knew in our heart of hearts that we were forgiven?

Let's say you resolve this issue of forgiveness and come to believe what the Bible says, that you are totally forgiven through faith in Jesus Christ; that your position before God is as one cleansed, healed, and righteous. How does that truth affect how you live today? Many might accept God's forgiveness for their sin and all the wrongs they have done...up to the point of their salvation, but then believe they must work to earn God's favor and forgiveness from that point forward for all the struggles and imperfections they possess. However, this type of thinking doesn't understand the broad scope of God's forgiveness. You see, when He says you are forgiven, you are totally forgiven.

God's forgiveness doesn't mean we never do anything wrong. It simply means that Christ's sacrifice was sufficient to pay the penalty for all our sins - past, present, and future. That's right, Jesus paid it all. When you receive the free gift of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ you are covered, permanently forgiven of ALL your sin.

Some cringe at such teaching because they believe it will open the floodgates of licenseousness and that those who grasp such infinite grace and forgiveness will embrace a lifestyle of loose morals. But I would contend that when a person truly understands the limitless expanse of God's forgiveness it actually produces a humility that motivates them toward righteousness, not the opposite.

So, again I ask, what would your life be like if you believed God's forgiveness was truly complete and eternal? I look forward to the result...

Free in forgiveness,

jonathan