The Importance of Grace In Recovery

My daughter just started kindergarten this week. What an exciting time of new beginnings and endless possibilities. These first few steps of her educational journey are memorable and mark the start of a truly adventurous quest for increased knowledge. The buzz created in our home because of my daughter's first days of school caused me to reflect on the process of recovery and the essential ingredient to lasting purity: grace.

One thing I can assure my daughter (as well as you who are hiking the trail toward purity) is that the journey has obstacles. Just as my daughter will encounter barriers to her educational growth, so too will you encounter seemingly insurmountable challenges in your pursuit of sexual purity. You may hit a wall of frustration, boredom, or temptation in your recovery. The fact that recovery requires resistance is sometimes discouraging to the point of wanting to give up. But rather than take the path of least resistance (which only leads to more pain and disappointment), press forward on the path to personal purity.

The challenges we face in our pursuit of purity are no secret. Laziness, pride, temptation, even relapse. These obstacles attempt to impede our progress and reignite the deadly flames of shame in our minds and hearts. If we allow them to stunt our growth in recovery, we lose momentum and soon find ourselves contemplating old acting out behaviors. From there it is a short trip to deeper bondage in sexual sin.

What then allows a man to break through these barriers and enjoy ongoing, long-term freedom in sexual purity? A proper understanding and application of grace is a great starting point. Grace is God's favor poured out on undeserving, sin-stained men just like you and me. It is God's continual "stamp" of approval and acceptance on His children. As God's child, you are forever engaged by him within the loving boundaries of grace - even when discipline is necessary. To understand such grace begins to put into perspective the many obstacles along the road to purity.

How do you apply this grace in a practical sense when faced with a very real obstacle such as temptation or laziness? First, you must recognize that something has gone awry in your recovery plan. The ship is taking on water, so-to-speak, and something needs to be done to correct it. Let's say you realize that you have begun to drift toward certain sexual temptations, maybe lingering on seductive websites or TV shows. You haven't "crossed the line" to porn, but you are drifting. Applying grace to such a situation would include first recognizing that a drift is occurring, and then reminding yourself that whatever you choose to do from that point on, God still loves you. That's right. Grace is given, not because it is deserved, but because of Christ's sacrifice for you. Most often, such a reminder will cause you to see that any more movement toward sin would only bring pain, shame, and disappointment. Grace, therefore, leads us to repentance and purity.

I once knew a counselor who used a very unconventional practice to help smokers overcome their habit (and I am not necessarily recommending it here). After several months in counseling and support group therapy, the counselor would instruct his clients to spend one week carrying a pack of cigarettes in their pockets. Not so they would smoke them, but rather so they knew that at any moment they could pull one out if they chose to. This counselor wanted to teach his clients that they had a choice - they did not need to be controlled by the cigarettes, they could choose what to do with their lives. Grace often reminds us of this scary truth - we have a choice. We can choose to walk humbly before God and others and receive the blessings of God's grace, or we can choose to live in pride, calling the shots and suffer the consequences of isolation, shame, and broken relationships.

Seeing my daughter's excitement at beginning school also reminded me that the road to recovery is worth it. There is a benefit to pressing through the obstacles and discomfort to reap the reward of peace and true contentment. Although there may be moments (even seasons) of difficulty and disappointment, the long-term results of a lifestyle of purity are worth it. And for every moment, or season, of obstacles and challenges, we are assured that God's grace is sufficient.

Pure Sex Radio Is On The Way!

Well, it's been quite a break since our last airing of the Pure Sex Radio broadcast. But good news! We will be back on the air beginning September 2nd with our weekly radio program about overcoming lust, porn, and sex addiction.

I will be hosting the show alongside my friend and colleague Stephen Cervantes. We are excited about re-launching the show and talking about the real life struggles that many are facing with sexual temptation. We speak candidly and openly about pornography, masturbation, fantasy, and all other sexual issues, providing hope-filled segments that are sure to encourage lots of response from our listeners.

To learn more about the Pure Sex Radio broadcast and how you can become a subscriber to our worldwide podcast, visit www.puresexradio.com.

If you would like to submit a question that we could address on the air, just email us at answerme@puresexradio.com. We will get to your question in the order it is received, and send you a friendly email to let you know which broadcast our response will be given.

We look forward to you being a listener on the program. And until we meet on the air, remember, the price you pay today for purity is a bargain compared to the pain it costs if you put it off...

See you on the air,

jonathan

What If Pain Were Useful?

How could your life change if you began to see pain as a useful means to a positive end, rather than a troublesome obstacle that must be avoided at all cost? I don't mean to suggest by this question that you go seeking out painful situations, but what if you changed your perspective on the pain that is already present in your life? Could such a shift in thinking be useful?

Let's face the reality that life includes pain. As some have even stated before, "Life is pain." (Most notably recorded in the classic movie The Princess Bride *smile*) But how often do we really accept this fact and use it to our advantage? Most of us spend a considerable amount of energy resisting the idea that life includes pain and we thrash around throwing adult-sized fits any time something painful occurs. Again, I'm not suggesting we all hold hands and sing "Kumbaya" (pain hurts), but rather to see pain as an opportunity instead of only an obstacle.

Let me give you an example of pain as an opportunity. My father died when I was only 18 years old. There I stood on the cusp of manhood and in an instant (about two months, to be exact) my father was gone. He died of an unknown virus that attacked his heart. I was shocked, angry, and devastated. The one man I respected more than any other was no longer there to lead the way. "Pain" couldn't begin to accurately describe what I felt.

I wish I could say I learned the lesson of pain as opportunity immediately, but instead it took 7 years for me to "get it." (Which should encourage you that as long as there is breath in your body there is hope for learning life's deeper lessons) What I eventually learned through my father's death was that by going through that painful circumstance, grieving his loss, and eventually healing, I had countless opportunities to empathize with others who also lost their dads at a young age. When I allowed my pain to become an invitation to encourage others, I realized such a difficult journey was not in vain.

There are all sorts of pain in life. There is the pain of losing a loved one to death. There is a whole other type of pain in losing a loved one to divorce, addiction, or complacency. Then there is the pain of crushed dreams, broken promises, and unmet expectations. Pain comes in all shapes and sizes. On any given day, pain is present. Since this is true, I think it would serve us well to understand our pain and then allow it to impact others at the point of their need.

If someone told me ten years ago that I would be doing what I am currently doing for a career, I would have laughed out loud (or shuddered in terror). But God had something different in mind, a career that would include lots of pain. The fact that my worst failures in life are in full view of the world to see is painful (sometimes so much so that I am tempted to just do something else altogether...). But God keeps reminding me that my pain has a purpose - a purpose much larger than any momentary discomfort I might feel. And your pain has a purpose as well. But you must be willing to explore what that purpose is and then dive in.

Do you want a life free from pain? Sure you do. Who doesn't? But let me share a not-so-little secret: a pain-free life doesn't exist. So, instead of wasting energy fighting against this fundamental truth of life, I would challenge you today to begin taking seriously the pain you encounter in your life. Turn toward it. Walk into it. And discover the riches of sharing your pain so others might be set free. God promises an excellent return for those willing to invest their pain for His sake (Rom. 8:17).

Investing my pain,

jonathan

Embracing Chaos...

Life is FULL of disruption. Live for any amount of time on this planet and you will encounter circumstances that interrupt your life - whether positively or negatively. Disruption is a fact of life. So I wonder why so many of us walk through life with a chip on our shoulder expecting that life should be smooth and obstacle-free? Could it be we really don't understand the benefit of chaos?

As Christians we often forget that God saved us to change us. He did not rescue us from our dungeon of despair and wickedness simply to mark our name off some checklist. No, He saved us in order to change us. More specifically, He saved us so that we might be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ (Rom. 8:29). There is only One who brings justification for sins before God and his name is Jesus Christ. Therefore, as believers in Jesus, the more we reflect Christ in our lives, the more we please God. This process of change, however, requires embracing chaos.

Just so we will be on the same page when we are talking about chaos in the context of change, let me share with you what this process of change looks like:

1. Old Routine (how you do things right now that aren't reflective of the character of Christ - i.e. pride, addiction, etc.)
2. Awareness of the need to change
3. CHAOS
4. Practice
5. New Routine

The key turning point in change is chaos. Quite often when God challenges us in a particular area of thinking or behaving, we resist such a challenge because it seems like our lives get worse. You know what? It usually does! This is chaos.

God may convict you about your secret sexual sin and you realize you need to do something about it. You meet with a counselor or join a support group. You begin to seek out help for your problem. You confess your sin to your spouse and maybe a few friends. You know in your heart you are doing the right thing, but your life and relationships seem to get worse. Your spouse lashes out at you for your self-centered, secret lifestyle. Your friends don't call as much and seem aloof when you are around them. You feel more agitated and on edge than usual. Because of all this discomfort you begin to believe that "recovery" isn't working, and soon return to your old habits, only now you sink deeper into secrecy and despair.

The truth is that such chaos, frustration, and "disruption" is precisely the road to change and freedom. We falsely assume that because the road got difficult that somehow we aren't on the right path. But Jesus even promised that the road would be tough, "In this world you will have trouble..." (John 16:33) What we must keep in mind, however, is that such chaos and trouble are not present simply to create distress in our lives. Chaos and trouble are opportunities to trust God and peel away another layer of ourselves that hinders the character of Christ from reflecting on to others. This is the "benefit" of chaos.

Is it hard to see chaos as a good thing? Sure it is. It is only natural for us to resist difficulties and disruptions in our daily lives. But constantly resisting chaos, as if you deserve a life without difficulty, will only prolong your process of change and delay your enjoyment of walking by faith. God really is good, and he really does have what is best in mind for us. And His best almost always includes seasons of chaos.

Embracing chaos,

jonathan