Are Setbacks Normal?

I get asked this question a lot from people working on recovering from sexual addiction, "Are setbacks a normal part of the recovery process?" Let me share an answer I recently wrote to this question.

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This is a long distance race, not a sprint.

To answer your question about setbacks directly, "Yes, setbacks are part of the journey!" Now, this doesn't mean we don't seek to deal with them, adjust our purity plan, and strive for deeper intimacy with God. It simply means that no one does "life" (or recovery) perfectly. There are bumps in the road - some bigger than others. I am convinced that the key to increasing consistency in a lifestyle of purity is how a man responds to setbacks. When setbacks ( i.e. a slip up) occur, will he cower in shame and self-hatred (a very common, normal response), or will he confess it, acknowledge that the journey is long, and seek to improve from it? The ones who respond with perseverance are the ones who "make it" in the long run. (But even those who "make it" still have setbacks, they just seem to get smaller and smaller as the journey progresses)

I want to encourage you to see the journey for what it is - a process of becoming something you aren't today. In other words, keeping in mind that God is in the process of transforming you into the reflection of His Son, Jesus. None of us will reach a point in this life where we reflect him perfectly, but we can grow increasingly "clean" to where the reflection improves. This, however, takes time, patience, humility, and LOTS of perseverance! It has been my experience and observation that "success" in the arena of purity is most likely achieved by those men and women who reach a point where they resolve to NEVER GIVE UP no matter how tough the journey gets, or how many setbacks they experience. Persistence is KEY to long-term growth.

Keep filling your mind with God's Word. The Psalms are a great place to camp out for learning how to recognize and express emotions. Some other good reading spots in the Word are Proverbs, Romans, and the Gospels. Really study the life of Christ and ask God to give you a soft heart that is receptive to His leading. The real "goal" of working toward a lifestyle of purity isn't so you never struggle with temptation again (there will always be temptation lurking nearby), but rather to grow in your intimacy with God and others. Most often, we who struggle with sexually addictive behaviors, have a real problem attaching emotionally to other people, and even God. So, we must engage other people in genuine, emotional relationships. This is usually where most sex addicts bail out or get stuck - it's just so hard to connect when you have developed a life that is used to isolation. But it's a must - connect!

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Let me know your thoughts, especially those of you who have faced various setbacks on your own personal purity journey. Through sharing and encouraging one another we might just improve our ability to avoid some of these setbacks in the future.

One step at a time,

jonathan

The Body Follows the Mind

The mind is an amazing thing. It is that intangible part of us where thoughts and ideas are held, and where decisions are made. In fact, every decision we make, whether good or bad, begins in the mind.

When I say "mind" I am not talking about your brain. Scientists poke around on our brains, the physical mush that is housed in our skulls, and find out all kinds of fascinating facts about electrical signals and chemical flow patterns. These chemicals and electrical impulses cause our bodies to respond in specific, predictable ways. For instance, it is through electrical impulses in my brain that is causing my fingers to move across this keyboard and type the text for this article. That's the "scientific" part. But behind the science is my mind. The mind is that part of you that no one can see, no scientist can probe, and yet it directs the brain to send the correct signals to the body. Amazing - and sobering.

Did you know that every decision you make, every one, begins in your mind? I have tried and tried to think of a single decision that I make that doesn't originally begin in my mind. Everything from simple decisions like sitting in a chair to large decisions like buying a house or marrying my spouse. All decisions begin in the mind. Even habitual decisions that ultimately harm us. Sexually addictive behaviors get their start in the mind. Even if your first sexual experience was in response to emotional pain or trauma, the mind was there to direct the body to act out sexually.

Most sexual addictions start out as a means to feel pleasure in the midst of pain, loneliness, or even simply curiosity. No one begins life as a sex addict. It is a "learned" addiction in the sense that one must become conditioned to respond to life through inappropriate use of their sexuality. After a person makes the dreadful, often subconscious, decision to connect pain with pleasure, the addiction begins to take shape. Life deals blow after blow of disappointment, pain, or confusion, and the sex addict responds by seeking relief through sexual acting out. In this entire process the mind is directing the body to act in a sexual way. Over time, the mind becomes conditioned to believe a multitude of lies and inaccuracies about sex, God, and relationships. But once those false beliefs are solidified in the mind, the body follows - ultimately, to its own destruction if no intervention is exercised.

If the mind plays such a crucial role in developing, and perpetuating, sexual addiction, what could its role be in breaking free from such a stronghold? This is the good news! God tells us in Romans 12 to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, and the way we do this is by no longer conforming to the pattern of this world, but by being transformed through the renewing of our minds. We are set free and transformed through the very instrument that led to our bondage: our minds. But how can a person change the very part of themselves that is so locked up in false beliefs and habitual patterns?

I have become convinced that renewing the mind is mainly a matter of focus. Let me explain. When I was a kid and just starting to get involved in secret sexual sin, I didn't guard my mind much. I didn't think twice about staring at lingerie ads in the paper or sneaking peeks at a Playboy every now and then. Sure, I felt a little guilty, but I didn't think any real damage was being done to my mind. Over time, however, I realized that the focus of my mind gradually shifted from that which was clean, pure, and pleasing to God to that which was self-focused, lude, and sexually explicit. As my focus drifted so did my behaviors.

Therefore, if a person desires to break free from years of habitual secret sexual sin, the starting point must be refocusing the mind on all that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). The sex addict's mind has become so trashed and filled with emotional and spiritual garbage that this process can take quite some time. But just as the fall to sexual addiction was a gradual slide, the rise to spiritual excellence is also gradual. Piece by piece we sift through the garbage of lies contained in the mind and toss them out while putting truth in their place. As this mental garbage gets removed in favor of truth and purity, behavior begins to change. This brings much excitement and hope to the sex addict who has been trapped for years behind the rubble of false beliefs in their mind.

A note of caution is warranted here for you who are brave enough to attempt to begin the process of refocusing your mind on truth and purity. You will meet resistance and you cannot succeed alone! The enemy of your soul, and even the very flesh you are encased in, will combat this process of cleaning up your mind. You see, a clean vessel is a potent tool in the hand of Almighty God. And such a tool wields powerful blows against the enemy, so be prepared for resistance.

You also cannot succeed in the long run without companions of truth on the journey. Your mind was not meant to exist in isolation from others. God created you for relationship. Therefore, embrace the challenge to clean up your mind with a few trusted friends at your side. As you walk this path together you will experience new levels of freedom and purity, along with the increased strength of togetherness. As the Scripture says, "...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Eccl. 4:12)

Renew your mind and your behaviors will follow.

Cleaning up my head,

jonathan

God's Relentless Mercy

A news story broke this week in Seattle, Washington that was rather disturbing. Two individuals decided to conduct an online "experiment" in which they placed a phony sexual solicitation ad in a classified ads column through craigslist.com. Their experiment? To see how many men would respond within 24 hours...and then to post their responses, email addresses, and photos on a separate website to "rat out" their behavior.

What disturbed me most about this experiment wasn't the fact that there were probably legal privacy issues violated, but rather that in less than twenty-four hours 178 men responded to the ad. And not only did they respond, their inquiries were vulgar, graphic, and often included overtones of violence to be inflicted on this woman in the ad. Also disturbing was the fact that this was only one ad out of literally millions of similar such ads placed all throughout the Internet. A short time with a calculator and the potential number of responses on a daily basis to such sexual solicitations is mind boggling. And yet, strangely enough, I see the mercy of God being tenderly expressed to these 178 men who responded to this one ad.

You may think this is an odd conclusion to come to after learning of such a news story. But it's not that far of a stretch if you understand the mercy of God. The Bible tells us that God is patient, not easily angered, and longsuffering in His disposition toward us. He is not harsh and angry, as many have come to see Him. The truth is that God desires to see each of us enjoy the intimate fellowship with Him that will not only save us from the fires of hell someday, but will also provide the abundant life our hearts long for now. Thus, God pursues us with relentless mercy.

Mercy is not a characteristic that gains much popularity in the world today. As Americans, we like to think we are merciful, but the truth is that we often think and behave in ways that convey anything but mercy. We might say we desire mercy for the 15-year-old kid who got mixed up in the wrong crowd and committed a violent house robbery - as long as that house wasn't ours! By definition, mercy is withholding a just punishment from the offender. In other words, it is not giving someone the penalty they deserve. As James reminds us, "Mercy triumphs over judgment!" (James 2:13b)

So how do I see God's mercy being poured out on the lives of these 178 men? By allowing the humiliation and brokenness of such exposure to give these men opportunity to humble themselves, repent, and avoid worse consequences should they dive deeper into their sexual perversions, God is expressing mercy toward them. This is often how the mercy of God comes to us in our lives: through humiliating exposure of our waywardness that reminds us of the truth. God is not out to get these men in the sense of embarrassing them for the sake of embarrassment (which appears to be the only motivation for the two who posted the ad). God uses such events to draw broken people back to himself for comfort, healing, and the promise of a new future. Remember, mercy triumphs over judgment.

As shocking and heartbreaking as this story was, it reminded me of the great benefit of walking as far away from the cliff of sexual sin as possible, rather than trying to nudge right up next to it. I'm sure a good number of the men who responded to this ad are Christian men straddling the fence between purity and lust. For those who attempt to live a life sexual purity while holding hands with the enemy, the fall is painful...and humiliating. But even if you choose to walk such a perilous path, the relentless mercy of God will be there to call you back...

Thankful for mercy,

jonathan