Who Are Safe People?

Those who choose to face their personal struggle with a bad habit or addictive pattern are brave folks. It takes courage to admit you are not in control and need help. One of the bits of advice that I often give to individuals seeking to overcome their sexual addictions is to surround themselves with "safe" people. I want to take this short article to expand on this idea and attempt to define what makes certain people "safe."

Sometimes to define something it helps to describe its opposite. Many of us can recognize who unsafe people are before we could recognize the safe ones. Unsafe people are those individuals who draw us toward those thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy or dangerous. For example, an unsafe person for a male sex addict might be a "loose" female co-worker who dresses provocatively and is always attempting to sexualize conversations. While it may be easy (or easier) to spot unsafe people, how do you find safe people?

The following are 7 key characteristics present in safe people:

1. Safe people are non-judgmental.

When you get serious about dealing with your secret addiction(s) you need people who are not spending their time judging you for your mistakes. You struggle enough with self-condemnation, you don't need someone else telling you what a mess-up you are. Safe people don't judge you.

2. Safe people listen.

When you reach out for help you need people who will really listen to your struggles. Safe people let you share your story and all the difficulty you have faced in carrying your secret sin alone. There is a sort of empathy with safe people. While they may not have traveled the exact same road, they listen with their heart and want to truly help.

3. Safe people maintain strong boundaries.

One of the dangers of seeking out safe people is that you might be so amazed at their compassion and care that you begin to move too close too quickly, and possibly confuse genuine help with old patterns in your addiction. Safe people, however, also know how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries that represent appropriate interaction and assistance. For instance, a safe person will not miss their son's baseball game just because you are having a weak moment. They will give you their time and energy when it is appropriate and falls in line with their other priorities.

4. Safe people protect confidentiality.

Trust is critical in the healing and recovery process. And trust is gained when safe people protect your confidentiality. You must know that the deep, dark secrets you are sharing will not end up in the city newspaper over the weekend. Safe people take confidentiality very seriously and will carry your pain to their grave if they must in order to secure your trust.

5. Safe people tell the truth in love.

Some people who may appear to be safe are really just looking for a way to present themselves as superior. They may tell you the truth (i.e. "If you continue lusting over porn, you will destroy your life"), but they do so in a harsh, angry fashion. Safe people know how to tell you the truth in love. They are not pointing out your weaknesses to pump themselves up, but rather to help you move toward purity and a life that truly brings satisfaction.

6. Safe people pray for wisdom (i.e. they are humble).

Anyone willing to help another person with their most vulnerable area of weakness must understand that they need wisdom. And gaining wisdom requires humility ("the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom"). You can often spot the safe people by how often they ask God for wisdom, knowing that apart from His leading they could lead you astray. These are the kind of people you want around when traveling the road to recovery.

7. Safe people help you get help.

Finally, safe people know their limitations and have a heart of willingness to get you the help you need. They will walk with you as you expand your network of support to include a counselor, support group, or other individuals to help you reach the goal of a godly life. When dealing with life's difficulties you need those with a servant's heart to lead you to the appropriate help.

As you walk through life, keep your eyes open for safe people. They will become your greatest asset in a life well lived.

Embrace the Gift of Purity

Do you see a life of purity as a gift? If not, you aren't alone. Many people view living a life of purity as a duty or obligation, a sort of back breaking burden they must endure. But this isn't how God wants us to see purity. He has a larger vision He wants us to embrace: purity as a gift.

I remember when I began my first steps on the journey to purity over 7 years ago. I was scared, embarrassed, angry, and all other sorts of emotions combined. I knew that all I had done secretly up to that point had proven empty and caused severe damage to all my relationships. I also knew that if I didn't change, my life would only worsen. But one thought that never entered my mind was to see the journey ahead as a gift!? No, at that time it seemed more like a horrible torture chamber, with me wobbling forward in a direction I had never gone and without any point of reference to guide me. I felt lost and alone. But I also knew I had no other choice.

This is where the "gift" part comes in. God truly is merciful. He didn't need to put up with my rebellion. He didn't have to be patient and gentle with me. He would have been justified in just removing me from the planet. But He showed mercy and instead decided to take me on a journey of healing and restoration. And by showing such mercy, He was offering a gift I never would have received otherwise; the gift of a changed life.

Interestingly, the journey to purity is not one of ease or comfort. In fact, it costs. A lot. And it even requires pain as part of the process. I know it's hard to wrap our minds around the idea of pain being part of a gift, but this is the way to freedom. Learning to endure pain in order to reach the "promised land" of purity, peace, and freedom produces deeply ingrained character traits that would not otherwise exist: patience, humility, and gentleness. It is often hard to see this connection between pain and purity, but once it is realized the pace seems to quicken toward the life you always desired.

I challenge you to make a shift in your thinking regarding your personal pursuit of purity. Rather than see each day as a monumental burden of endless temptations to resist, begin to embrace the gift of purity that awaits just beyond the pain of momentary sacrifice. As you develop this new mindset of thanksgiving for such a merciful gift, you will certainly experience more victory and even enjoy the abundant life God provides.

Embracing purity,

jonathan