The Truth About My Inconsistent Life...

I live an inconsistent life. So often what I think in my head, believe in my heart, and perform in my actions don't match up. I say I believe in Jesus, but doubt that He could love me all the time. I think that God's mercy is real, but often believe in my heart that if I make one too many mistakes He will crush my spirit like a bug on a windshield. Or I might believe that all people are created as equals, even preaching this passionately to others, yet pass judgment on the man standing on the street corner holding a sign that reads "Anything will help." Inconsistent. My life is filled with inconsistency.

Maybe I'm the only person who is bothered by living an inconsistent life. Maybe I'm the only one who drifts off to sleep at night with a gnawing ache in my gut that all the points of my life don't match up all the time. But maybe there are others out there, even those who love God, who can identify with my feelings. Maybe you too find yourself saying one thing yet doing another. You say you love God, but you ignore the homeless or refuse to help a friend in need. You say you love your wife, but secretly look at porn or nurse an affair. I think each of us struggles with the inconsistencies in our lives (no matter how big or small they may be). Many, however, are just unwilling to admit their hypocrisy.

I don't think God expects us to live perfectly consistent lives. I don't even think He expects us to strive for this. But isn't that what we are taught in most religious circles? Make everything "match up" in your life? Ensure that what you do is consistent with what you say? But I am afraid that if our goal in life is to be "consistent" then we will lose our desire to grow, to learn, to improve. If I just live my life to try to make everything that I do on the outside to match up with everything on the inside, then at some point I have to tell the inside of me to cease moving. I have to stop learning, stop asking questions, stop growing. Because as long as the "inside me" is growing and learning, the outside me will be striving to catch up and become "consistent." This is the religious equivalent of the rat race; always striving, never fulfilling.

I'm not saying that what I do on the outside isn't important. It is. But what is it based on? Some arbitrary ideal that is set forth from my mind or the mind of the religious community? What does God say the goal of my life should be? Doesn't He say that life is about loving God and loving people? That is an inside thing that manifests itself outwardly. But is it a goal that produces this contrived consistency that seems so important to religious folks? I don't think so. Love is motion. Love moves inside me. Love also moves my hands and feet to engage people in tangible ways; feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, listening to the downtrodden. But even love doesn't erase my inconsistencies. I still might have selfish motives for placing a dollar in the hand of that man on my street corner (I like it when people in other cars turn to see my good deed).

So, is my inconsistency the enemy? No. My unwillingness to be honest about it is the enemy. Presenting myself as "consistent" is the enemy. Saying that I have no doubts or questions, this is what robs me of living a truly abundant life; one filled with grace and love. Why is it so hard to admit we don't have it all together and that we never will this side of heaven? Why does that paralyze us with fear? Inconsistency is part of life. Inconsistency IS life. By being honest about my doubts, fears, loneliness, and inadequacies I gain a humility that offers what others need so desperately: real love.

I pray that I won't let the rules of religion cover the truth that I live an inconsistent life. Instead, I confess my weaknesses and insufficiency's so that God's grace is poured out on my life. With such grace covering me I experience love and the overflow of what's in my heart can reach out and touch those around me. Even the bum on the street corner...

Stumbling forward,

jonathan