by Jonathan Daugherty
I have been listening to personal stories of sexual brokenness and pain for 20 years. Many such stories are filled with regret of choices the individuals consented to. This is why I am concerned with the cultural narrative that has been forming in recent years regarding consent as the only value that matters in sexual choices. I beg to differ.
The following are three reasons why I believe consent is an inadequate measurement of whether a sexual decision is right.
Consent is not always equally valued or applied
Are all "yeses" equal? The moral revolutionaries would have us believe that consent is an empirical, static metric. As long as there is "mutual consent" then any and all sexual behaviors between all parties involved is acceptable. But is there "wiggle room" within the definition of consent?
Consent is defined as "permission for something to happen or agreement to do something." What if what I think I'm agreeing to isn't the same as what the other person thinks they are agreeing to? How do you measure consent at that point? This is where the seemingly clear waters of consent get really murky.
"But she (or he) said Yes!"
This is likely to become a regular "defense" in the consent culture. Both parties initially agree to whatever the behavior is and then one party later "redefines" their yes into a maybe, or no. How are such cases to be determined? How does one prove that consent was actually established? That's the problem, because consent is subjective.
Consent doesn't eliminate regret
Another fallacy of the consent ideology is that it assumes that if one gives consent they must stand by their decision in perpetuity. But can't one consent and then later regret their decision?
I have many regrets of decisions I have consented to. One time in high school I 'consented' to eat a bowl of hot menudo just hours before an all afternoon track meet under the blazing sun. I later very much regretted having consented to eat that bowl of cow intestine soup. Imagine how much higher the stakes are for regret involving sexual choices!
How will the advocates of consent respond to people who admit they said yes to certain sexual behaviors with certain someones and then later deeply regretted that yes? Is that allowed? Are there repercussions for the "offending" party, even if consent was granted by the regretful party?
Also, decisions about sexual behavior are rarely made with one's full mental faculties. When adrenaline and dopamine start flooding the brain as a result of sexual arousal, the frontal lobe is less active (this is the part of our brain that helps us reason and be logical; like brakes on a car). So, it is conceivable that some "consent" can be borne of "in-the-heat-of-the-moment" thinking that doesn't exhibit the full use of one's own brain. (This is no excuse for poor decisions, just one more factor to consider in light of the consent fallacy.)
Consent doesn't really care about the other person
Anytime we look to man made constructs for moral or civil frameworks, we end up with systems that ultimately harm more lives than they help. Such is the current "consent construct" that is sure to leave countless broken lives in its wake of ambiguity and regret.
The Bible says that "the whole law" hinges on one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Galatians 5:14) In other words, the moral and civic framework that God established is not focused on my consent (what one allows to be done to them), but rather on the ultimate good for my neighbor. Are my actions going to help them thrive as a person? Will it lead to ultimate good in their lives?
The secular consent model of sexual choices keeps me focused on me; my consent. Even if it is framed in the vernacular "mutual consent," that is a misnomer. The focus is still on each individual's self-consent that goes something like this (although with likely more subtleties and 'romance'):
Person A: "I want to have sex with you. Do you consent?"
Person B: "Yes. I want to have sex with you, too."
Sounds mutual, right? But each individual is still focused on what they want. Person A wants to have sex with Person B. Person B wants to have sex with Person A. Neither are really thinking about the ultimate good of the other. In this case, "mutual consent" is overshadowed by "I want" thinking.
Please don't misunderstand. I'm not suggesting that God's framework of "love your neighbor" eliminates personal desire. But it does reorder the emphasis of focus from ME to YOU. Something the current consent ideology cannot do.
To Christians it should come as no surprise that God's ways are best; for us individually and as a society. Let us not be swayed by "cleverly devised myths" that lead us away from the good and loving Law of God. His guidance leads us to make choices that are truly beneficial to others and to ourselves. And God's Word applies to every choice, including sexual choices, with or without our consent...
God invented sex and marriage. Christians know this, but often don't understand why such inventions are important, or how to live in them well. There is much confusion surrounding God, sex, and marriage.
Here are just a few recent headlines that indicate the confused state of our culture (and even the Church) on matters of sexuality:
Shameless: A Sexual Reformation, by Nadia Bolz-Weber
Pastors Grapple with Methodist Church's LGBTQ Stance
Human Sexuality Tops List of Subjects US Clergy Struggle to Address
Is there any clear picture of what sex and marriage are all about? Or are we doomed to continue fumbling around in the dark halls of moral relativism and pass the buck to the next generation to try and figure it out?
I believe God has spoken on this subject. And he is not ambiguous.
God is pro-sex
Because God invented sex, he is for it. In fact, the first command God gave to the first man and woman was "have sex." (Gen. 1:28) God is not some cosmic killjoy against pleasure. He made sex. He made it pleasurable. But he also made it to symbolize something far more than it has come to mean in much of our culture.
Sex is the most intimate, powerful, pleasurable union that a man and woman can experience. It creates a bond like nothing else. Chemicals are released in the brain that magnify pleasure and fortify the "imprint" of the other person. The two truly do "become one" in this intimate act.
God created this powerful connection of sex to give us a picture of the kind of powerful connection he desires with us; a oneness with our Creator. But because sex is so powerful, God made it to be a protected activity within the boundary of covenant. In other words, sex isn't casual from God's perspective. It is covenantal. That's why God also created marriage. (Gen. 2:18-24, Matt. 19:3-9)
God is pro-marriage
Marriage is the lifelong covenant between one man and one woman. God instituted this to be the context in which two become one. And sex is the consummation of this oneness. But why is marriage the exclusive relationship for sex?
The simple answer is "because God said so." (Exodus 20:14, Deut. 5:18; and God's Word is more than a sufficient answer -- it is the final authority on all matters.) But we can also see in God's design some good reasons why sexual activity is reserved only for marriage.
Health -- A single sexual partner over a lifetime virtually eliminates the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases. The exclusivity of sex in marriage protects from potential disease.
Intimacy -- Marriage is designed for a man and woman to grow together: sexually, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Infidelity (including porn) hinders intimacy.
Oneness -- "The two shall become one." God's design for marriage is for two to become one, not three or four or twenty. Exclusive 1-man-with-1-woman sex in marriage strengthens and deepens the bond of oneness.
Faithfulness -- Sex outside of marriage (in any form, including pornography) erodes trust. The exclusive nature of sex in marriage helps build faithfulness by each spouse "forsaking all others" in favor of unity with each other.
God is pro-love
The design of sex in marriage is deeply rooted in love. This is the heart of the metaphor God gives us in the picture of marriage: covenant love. Thus, sex is meant to be the physical expression of covenant love. And it's beautiful. It's giving. It's sacrificial. It's sacred.
But we must not mistake all sexual feelings as being love, nor think that "love" is always to be expressed in sex. We can love without being sexual. And we can certainly be sexual without loving (although, this is not God's design!). God calls his followers to love all people, but not to have sex with all people. Sex is exclusively reserved for marriage.
Love is doing good for another at your own expense. God is love. He did the ultimate good for us at the expense of his own Son dying on the cross for our sins. Through faith in Christ we are called to live in the same way toward all our neighbors; to love them sacrificially. But just because I love my neighbor, maybe even have strong, deep affection for them, does not mean I am to be sexual with them.
Because God is love, and God is also holy, love adheres to a standard. It is not subjective.
God is pro-truth
Sex and marriage and love, oh my! These are big topics with big ramifications. This is why they must be rooted in truth. And all truth finds its source in the Creator. God is the standard. Therefore, when examining sex and marriage and love, we must look to God and His Word as the final authority. This is where we all get uncomfortable.
Truth, by definition, is exclusive. If A is true, then non-A cannot also be true. For example, if Sally is pregnant, she cannot also not be pregnant. Pregnancy is either true or false. Truth is exclusive.
When God makes declarations about sex, marriage, and love, we do not have the luxury of claiming opposite views as simultaneously true. Either God's Word is true or it is false. If it is true, it cuts us all to the bone: "Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins." (Ecc. 7:20) Truth is the great equalizer. We have all sinned. (Rom. 3:23)
Therefore, the question we must all answer is, "Do I believe God's Word?"
Is God's Word true regarding sex? Is God's Word true regarding marriage? Is God's Word true regarding love and truth? The answer to these questions determines the consequences we must face. Not that our belief determines what is true (remember, truth is exclusive), but that the consequences we face are determined by what we believe about the truth. If our lives do not line up with the truth, it is not the truth that suffers.
Where do you take your confusion or frustration about sex and marriage and love? Might you spend some time searching God's Word, engaging other Christians, or fervently praying? God is the Creator of sex and marriage, and he is the source of love and truth. And he promises to respond to those who humbly seek him will all their heart.
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." --Matthew 7:7-8
If you're in the San Antonio area, please register for the God, Sex, and Your Marriage conference on March 23, 2019 at Community Bible Church.
Click here to register
by Jonathan Daugherty
I don't think anyone would argue with me if I said that there is a lot of confusion in our American culture surrounding the topic of sexuality. Turn on any news feed or hop on any social media platform and you will be bombarded with all kinds of ideas about sex and sexuality. And right in the mix you will find many professing Christians tangled up in the same web of sexual confusion.
This article is for Christians who struggle to answer the question, "What is sexuality?" While this article won't answer this question exhaustively, at least it might help give you a framework to respond to this question with biblical clarity and Christlike compassion.
In God's Image, Male and Female
To answer the question "What is sexuality?" it is important to start at the beginning. God created sexuality. It is stated this way in Genesis 1:27,
So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
Therefore, whatever sexuality is it originated in the mind of God and is tied in some way to His image, or His "reflection" in the world through human beings. We will come back to this reflection idea a little bit later.
The distinctions in human maleness and femaleness are intentional. God did not make humans some homogeneous, amorphous creatures. He created us male and female, specifically unique and distinct in our design.
Therefore, human sexuality starts with design: we were made in the image of God, male and female.
Be Fruitful and Multiply
After God created human beings he gave them this instruction:
And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Gen. 1:28)
One of my favorite things to say to Christians is that God's first verbal command to the first human beings was, "Have sex!" That's what "be fruitful and multiply" means. Therefore, another important part of sexuality is the act of sex -- and it's effect: multiplying.
At this point you might be thinking that the culture seems to be "obeying" God quite well on this instruction. After all, lots of people are "being fruitful and multiplying." But before you jump too quickly to this assumption, it's important to understand that God provides a specific context for this act of sex: holy marriage.
Two Shall Become One Flesh
God created Adam and Eve, the first human beings, and performed the first marriage ceremony. The story is found in Genesis 2:21-25 (emphasis mine),
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”
God brought Adam his wife, Eve. And, of course, Adam flipped out with delight! Just as God designed him to respond. After this marriage ceremony between one man and one woman the writer of Genesis goes on to say,
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Human sexuality was made by God for its fullest expression and enjoyment within the covenant bond of marriage between one man and one woman. This is how we most completely "reflect" God's image in the world; the oneness between a husband and wife. (This is usually the point of greatest contention among those who do not hold to a biblical, Christian worldview.)
But sexuality is not merely about gender or sex or marriage. It is about Jesus Christ and His Church.
Christ and the Church
One reason why I believe so many Christians find it difficult to define sexuality is because they fail to understand the larger context into which it fits. Sex and sexuality often remain locked only in the physical realm and many don't see the spiritual connection. But the apostle Paul helped us get a glimpse of this mystery when he wrote these instructions to husbands,
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (Eph. 5:25-32)
God created sex to be a metaphor of something far greater than what we can only see in the physical. It is ultimately meant to be a picture of the love and intimacy Christ has with His bride, the Church. This is a mystery because we cannot fully experience this kind of unhindered intimacy with Christ in this life because of our sinful nature. But we have been given a picture in our sexuality of what is to be between us and Christ one day in our eternal home in heaven. And what a day that will be!
What About Desire?
We have looked at God's design for sexuality; male and female reflecting His image.
We have looked at God's context for sexuality; one man with one woman in the covenant bond of marriage.
We have even looked at God's purpose for sexuality; a tangible picture of the kind of intimacy Christ has with His bride, the Church.
But what do we do with desires when it comes to defining sexuality? What is the biblical perspective on desire?
The Bible actually says very little on the topic of sexual desire until it crosses a line of sinfulness. For example, adultery is forbidden by God. But this isn't merely a physical act. Jesus said that "lustful desires" are equal to adultery in their sinfulness before God (Matt. 5:27-28). But what about sexual desires that are not lustful?
I believe God extends tremendous grace to us when it comes to desire. We must remember that the world is stained by sin, and we even carry sin in our being. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that no one has desires (any desires, not just sexual) that are not distorted in some way due to sin. This is why sexual temptation can be so appealing; our sinful nature longs to disobey God. And the enemy works hard to point our sexual desires toward outcomes that dishonor God and distort His image.
But rather than trying to "police" desire, it might be best to focus instead on God's clear design, purpose, and context of sexuality and then ask ourselves if our lives are faithfully reflecting God's image. From there we might gain a better understanding of our desires and how we might align them to trust and obey God more deeply.
So, what is sexuality?
Human sexuality is being made in God's image, male and female, to reflect His covenant love with our bodies through fidelity to His Word and His Ways. There is power and passion and purpose wrapped up in all that it means to be human; "male and female He created them."
As Christians, we are called to live by God's design and for His purposes. And why wouldn't we want to? When we understand the gospel and God's gracious forgiveness, the only proper response can be to worship Him in spirit, mind, and body...
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. (1 Cor. 6:19-20)
by Jonathan Daugherty
If I'm honest, I don't really want to write this article. Not because I don't believe the title has merit, but because the issue of sexuality is such a hot button between the two communities mentioned. Orthodox Christians are often viewed by those in the LGBTQ community as archaic and anti-love, whereas those who identify as LGBTQ+ are often viewed by those in the Christian community as "sinners in the hands of an angry God." What can be done to resolve this "battle" of sexual ideologies?
For the sake of full disclosure I must state that I am a Bible-believing evangelical Christian. So, automatically there will be assumptions made about my worldview. I believe in the inerrancy and infallibility of the Bible, and I affirm such confessions of Christian beliefs as The Apostle's Creed and the Westminster Confession of Faith. I am, as some might say, a conservative Christian.
But I don't hate anyone in the LGBTQ community. And I invite my Christian brothers and sisters to do the same. However, we must do so without abandoning the foundation of our faith. We must love as Christ loved -- in grace and truth.
There are three key things that I think Christians can (and should) learn from the LGBTQ community. And by learning these we might establish a bridge for conversation and relationship. We might even discover that at our core we are more alike than we are different.
1. We all want a place to belong.
I have listened to many stories of those who identify as LGBTQ+ and there is often a common refrain when it comes to a person finally "tipping the scales" to fully embracing their sexual orientation: "I was welcomed with open arms by the (fill in the blank with LGBTQ+) community." The longing to belong is strong in us as human beings. When we find a place that accepts us, we tend to move in that direction.
So, Christian friends, what can we learn from this? Might it be that we don't hold out open arms to those who are different from us? Maybe we need to learn a lesson here about the kinds of environments we are creating in our churches. Are we inviting people just as they are to come explore Jesus and our Christian faith, or are we creating a moral obstacle course for people to pass before they can gain access?
Hear me clearly on this point: It is not our job as Christians to change people's behavior (or their heart); we are called by God to introduce people to Jesus, and walk with them as they grow in Him. And how can we do that if we construct so many obstacles before they hit the front door?
Jesus sought out the most broken people to show He loved them. Religious people didn’t like that, including the Pharisees who murmured about Jesus letting the woman anoint his feet, “If He knew what kind of woman she was He would not let her touch Him.” (Luke 7:39)
Broken people responded so well to Jesus because He essentially showed them, “You belong here with Me.” Their behavior changed after being with Jesus, not before. Christians need to understand the power of our belonging together with Christ, and should extend that fellowship to others as Jesus did.
2. We all want an identity that is unique and celebrated.
One of the hardest questions to answer is "Who are you?" This is a question of identity. And it's easy to construct our answers based on external factors, such as job, family, hobbies, and reputation. One element that is central to being human is sexuality. So, it makes sense that this would be an area in which we want to "stand out" as unique in our identity. But at what cost?
I remember the "old days" when there were only two distinctions between sexual orientations and gender identities: heterosexual and homosexual; male and female. But today, by some reports, there are dozens of distinctions of sexual orientation and gender identity! Why so many variations?
Everybody wants to be somebody. In other words, we all want a sense that we are unique in the world. And the truth is, we are. Fingerprints, DNA, and even body odor are distinct to every human being on planet earth. You and I are born unique. But sometimes we want to plant a flag (no pun intended) that declares this to the world. Sexual/Gender identity can be an easy (and obvious) way to do this.
Christian friends, the LGBTQ community does an excellent job of defining and celebrating a person's uniqueness based on their sexual/gender identity. Could the same claim be made of you and me based on our identity in Christ? Do you know who you are in Him and how you are uniquely gifted for His purpose? And do you celebrate this gift of God's grace in a way that is attractive and life-giving to those who are far from God?
When Christ is at the center of our identity there is nothing that can destroy or diminish our value and significance.
3. We all want our lives to matter and our voices to be heard.
I have a Google Alert set for LGBTQ. This means that every day I get a report from Google on all the news and articles related to anything with LGBTQ connections. Every day lots of news comes up! One thing I notice over and over again is the relative consistency and persistency of the messaging for LGBTQ rights and the predictible attacks against those who oppose such rights. But what's the real message here?
A group of people (LGBTQ) with a shared worldview and common goal are crying out to be heard and to make a difference in the society.
What can Christians learn here? What is our primary message? It is that "God so loved the world" that He sent Jesus Christ to die for sinners like you and me. (John 3:16) But when our message simply becomes a reaction to the latest shock news we find ourselves being grinded into dust by the political and media machines, rather than offering hope and life and freedom to "those who have ears to hear."
Let's also remember that all of us come to God with our own baggage and sin. A lot of our baggage and sin we don’t realize is harmful or even that it exists until we have spent time with God. Often, in His wisdom, He waits (sometimes years!) until the time is right to point it out to us and invite us to unpack it. We must offer the same grace to the LGBTQ community by focusing on welcoming them and introducing them to God, then allowing God to work with them as He sees fit in His timing.
My Christian friends, what then should the church's response and role be to the LGBTQ community? Might we stand together and declare:
Love is actually the common language Christians share with the LGBTQ community, even though our worldviews for how to present and practice love are very different. But might we have the courage to demonstrate the same love that Jesus Christ demonstrated to us, that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Would you die for the sake of a LGBTQ person?
Hugh Hefner died this week. The modern king of porn and sexual decadence is no longer on his throne. But don't be fooled into thinking that porn and sexual decadence died with him. The battle for integrity and righteousness rages on.
I had two simultaneous emotions when I saw that Hefner died. First, I felt overwhelming sadness for him. Such a talented, smart, entrepreneurial guy who wasted his life on the pursuit of that which does not satisfy (nor save) the soul. Second, I felt invigorated for the work I do in ministry. The man Hefner may be gone, but the legacy of his destructive work lives on with a vengeance. We need more soldiers in the battle for purity.
Please don't misinterpret my feelings to conclude that I have some kind of hatred for Hugh Hefner. I didn't hate the man. I pitied him. And I pity all the disciples of porn he led astray for nearly 65 years. I work every day in the trenches of destroyed lives and families because of the myths Hefner promoted about fulfillment and joy being found in the wonderland of unbridled sexual desires.
But my pity for Hefner and his porn disciples doesn't cause me to shrink away in disgust or despair. It moves me to stand up and to light a candle of hope for all those still in the darkness of disillusionment. To reach out and help those who are discovering that the promises of porn to bring ultimate pleasure are just facades covering up pain and deception and the fruitlessness of self-centered living.
My hope and prayer is that the flurry of news media that will certainly seek to honor and celebrate Hefner will cause people to consider the actual implications of his legacy: Hefner sparked a 65-year slow-burn holocaust on the American family. Is that really worthy of celebration and honor? Have we become so "politically correct" that we "call evil good and good evil?" (Isa. 5:20) Woe to us if we do!
Will you stand with me, candle of hope in hand, and pray for God to use this man's death to spark a "revival of righteousness" in our land -- starting in our churches? Will you speak boldly of the love and grace of Jesus Christ to forgive those who confess their sins and humble themselves before God? Will you live out a life of integrity and purity as an example for a world that is so sexually broken?
Finally, will you pray for the family and friends of Hugh Hefner? There is still hope for them to "see the Light" and write a different legacy for future generations.